Beginnings and Endings [complete]

Author's Note

Author's Note 

Why am I writing this author's note so specifically on one chapter, you might ask. The answer is simple and yet complicated, the same way this author's note is personal and yet open to public.

This story was...not really a story. All of it, right from Mark down to Xavier's cheating was true. Only the wedding, restricted scene and future glimpse were purely fictional. I am Adrianne Reed. This is my story.

Compared to the rest, it is probably why this story in particularly was not so well written, lacking a good storyline. Why did I post this? Why subject myself to humiliation and the now permanent reminder of my shameful past?

Because I need that reminder.

Ask Alyssa, Daniella, Ally and Zee - who respectively go by Lee Ann, Mitzi, Allison and Zeyi - and they'll tell you how confident I am of my abilities, how anyone who makes the stupid decision to mess with me will end up regretting it, how I am so pathetically engrossed in my love life at an age so young. 

Bravado means nothing when you scrape it all off.

Beneath is chaos. In my main circle of girlfriends, I am the one with the lowest self-esteem, despite my confident stature. And for that reason, I cannot lose. I find myself incapable of admitting defeat, especially to individuals who I am against. It's not to say I hold myself high above eveybody else. No, it is entirely the opposite. It is insecurity, raw and plain at its core, the fear that if I'm not the best, I will be overlooked.

My life was at its peak, had it not been for Dominic Wood, whose actual name is Jonathan Christopher Wood. I distanced myself from people, so intent on making him happy that I resolved to skipping meals and lowering my dignity.

The return to my old self - confident, playful, sarcastic, strong - is owed entirely to Alyssa, Daniella, Ally, Zee, Sara, Shaun, Nat and Xavier, the last four being Sarah, Shomas, Natalie and Ignatius, my current boyfriend. And they didn't receive as much recognition as they deserved in this story.

The truth is, Dominic destroyed me, and almost wrecked my life. It wasn't just him, it was also my conscious decisions I realized later on were tactless, but he left me broken, disgustingly weak and vulnerable. Time has supplied its healing, but I'm still attacked physchologicaly, insecurities and paranoia, the indispensable feeling of loneliness and unworthiness straight at its core.

And since this message is almost directly written for my girlfriends (besides the handful of other people who wouldn't be able to see this anyway), I include this:

Lee Ann, Mitzi, Allison and Zeyi - asking for better BFFs would be asking for the moon. I suppose I never should've imposed on your little group back when I felt worthless, really just a fourth wheel tagging along so I wouldn't look like a social outcast. But a day doesn't go by where I don't regret it.

Lee Ann - my God, it's not a secret we envy the fact that on your diet of Coke/Pepsi and candy, you still have a body like that. Damn girl. You're the life and soul of the group, besides being the supply of money (in a good way). However airheaded you may be sometimes, however badly you cross roads, however much candy you eat...you're still a great BFF. Thanks for the Fanta, Coke, Pepsi and Candilicious sweets, and for being around all the time when I needed you.

Mitzi - you and your foul mouth that could parallel mine. I guess that's why we clash sometimes. But however much we fight with each other, I want you to know that it's been an amazing time with you, from Form 1 all the way up to now. Choir, the embarassing dance, this year's attempts at a duet, CSS. I don't give two shits what people think about you or say about you, right or wrong. Even when you disliked me (and the short period of time where it was also vice versa) you've never failed to be there for me.

Allison - the sweetest of the lot with the sick temper. We're probably the total opposite of each other, you realize? And since opposites attract, we're BFFs. It's been an amazing time with you, fangirling over Mat Sallehs and trying to find you a boyfriend, laughing at your mom's pickiness and trying to beg you to go out with us. You're a wonderful person, Allison, the kind of person nobody would hate and one of the people I hold dear. And if they did hate you, they'd have me to answer to.

Zeyi - sweetheart, sometimes you're so perverted I am seriously concerned for your boyfriend, past, present or future. But you are the best perverted bestie there is, the one person I go to to share...certain unsaid fantasies with. Sure, you eventually tell the rest of the group and we all laugh along with it, but it's always awesome having you around, especially when I needed you for laughs. Don't ever change the way you are. 

Thank you, for everything - accepting me for what I was, inclusive of the bitchiness, the bad temper, the overconfidence, the tears - and making the best out of it that ultimately brought back the old me, the better me. Thank you for the laughs, the idiotic times, the lunch breaks getting high, even the pointless fights. The advice, insults, dry truths, bitching and gossiping. Where friends are concerned, you were the main core of people who, almost literally, brought me back to life.

I only hope I've made up for my imperfections by being around for you guys. God knows you deserve them.

However pathetic and emotional you might find this, I hope you also find it meaningful. 

Sincerely, Adelle. 

Specifically for Nat: 

Nat - things between us have been rough, it's true. And I will admit that for a while, I was both jealous and pissed off at you, times when our friendship was tense and stretched all because of a boy. In my opinion, I shouldn't have let any boy jeapordize anything we had.

And I am, sincerely, sorry for hurting you. But I am beyond glad that we've made up, and I am happy to have you as a close friend. Even with all the bullshit in both our lives, thanks for helping me pull through.  

And to the others who had a hand in improving what was an ashamed, awful person and turning her into someone better, a public, sincere, genuine thank you.

This is RiverLake, Adrianne Reed, Adelle Adrian, signing off Beginnings and Endings for good.