Hold me tight & don't let go.

Dear Diary

My heart stopped.

Time slowed down.

I couldn’t breathe.

I looked up at the television as it zoomed into the boys faces. They were all crying and hugging each other.

I collapsed to the floor.

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Buzz, buzz, buzz.

My phone vibrated on the floor next to me.

I sat up, dazed. My body was moving by itself. I couldn’t think.

My mind was completely blank.

“Hello?” I whispered.

“Spence? How are you holding up? Wait, that’s a stupid question. Harry and I are coming to see you” Niall answered.

“Okay” I managed to say before hanging up the phone.

I sat down at my kitchen table and didn’t say a word.

Knock, knock.

“S, it’s us!” Harry called.

I couldn’t speak.

“Okay, well we’re coming in”.

Harry’s dark curly-haired bob of hair came around the corner first before Niall’s blonde one.

Before I could speak they were both hugging me and telling me that everything was going to be okay.

“I can’t…” I whispered.

“I know, I know” Harry replied kissing my forehead.

Apart from Liam I was closest to Harry and Niall in the band, but especially Harry because we knew each other before he was in One Direction.

Harry was my best friend, alone with my business partner Elena.

Elena and I owned a coffee shop. We also lived together with my older half-sister Blair.

Elena has the biggest crush on Niall in the world, but he’s completely oblivious to it.

A few minutes later the door was almost broken down as Elena and Blair came rushing into the house.

“Babe, babe! Are you alright?” Elena said miserably.

“Where have you guys been!?” Niall asked concerned.

“We went to Asha’s for the night because Liam was supposed to be staying here with Spence…” Blair replied.

“How, how long since you’ve seen him?” Elena asked.

“Before the party yesterday” Niall whispered.

“It’s my fault” I whispered, “I broke up with him. I told him to leave”.

“Wait, what? You broke up with him!?” Harry asked gobsmacked.

“I don’t want to talk about it yet. Later”.

“Okay, love. When you’re ready” Blair said hugging me.

“I can’t do this!” I cried, “I can’t live without him”.

“Hey, I know this sounds stupid… but the councillor that talked to us told us a good way to deal with it is to keep a journal” Niall suggested warmly.

“Yeah, I guess I could try that”.

“Niall, Blair… I think we should leave Harry and Spence alone for a little while” Elena suggested.

“Sure” Blair said.

Niall nodded and they stood up and walked to the kitchen.

“Do you know where he might’ve gone?” Harry asked.

“I have no idea… I thought he would’ve gone straight back to Niall’s or something”.

“I need you to tell me what happened between you” Harry said.

“I can’t. Not yet. I just can’t”.

Harry sighed.

“What’s the last thing he said to you?”.

“That he loved me and he wouldn’t give up on us” I said bursting into tears.

“It’ll be alright, S. We’ll find him” Harry whispered hugging me tightly and running his fingers through my hair.

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29th of September 2014, 2.37pm

Dear Journal,

Well I thought I might as well give this a go. Niall went out and bought you for me this morning. I don’t know what to say… I might as well just be honest, right? Well… saying it’s been hard is an understatement. I miss him, a lot. He’s not just the guy I love, he’s my best friend.

The idea of him being gone… it’s not right. It’s just not right.

Everyone has been out searching for him.

I can’t help but blame myself. I was the last one to see him, or talk to him.

All the memories of us keep filling my mind.

I don’t see how writing everything down will help, but there’s nothing else I can do that would.

I remember the first time I met Liam.

2nd of October 2010

“Harry, you don’t have to introduce me to them… I doubt they’ll like me” I said embarrassed.

“Of course they will! You’re my best friend, they’d have too!” he laughed.

“Look, here they come” he added.

One by one the four boys in Harry’s new band One Direction came walking through the door.

And one in particular caught my eye.