Hold me tight & don't let go.

Never ending darkness.

"It'll be a little bit cold but nothing too bad" Dr. Kapli said with a cheesy grin.
"Okay" I replied simply as I squeezed Harry's hand.
Today was my first proper ultrasound. I was bricking it.
I breathed slowly trying to stay calm.
She squeezed the cold fluid over my stomach and it tickled slightly.
"Right here we go" she smiled.

Dr. Kapli traced the device over my stomach multiple times. She had a slight look of worry in her eyes.
"Everything alright?" I asked nervously.
I looked over at Harry, and for a split second I could've sworn he was Liam.
"I'm not too sure" she replied picking up a printed picture of the ultrasound.
"What is it? What's wrong?" I asked starting to freak out.
"Your baby should be at least three times the size that it is in your stage of pregnancy..." She started.
"What does that mean?".
"It means" she sighed "it means that there's something wrong".
"And? What's going to happen?" I said sitting up.
She looked at my reluctantly before sighed heavily and whispering "It means that there's an extremely high chance that your baby could die".

------

It was the final straw, the last thing I could take.
Once I got home I raced inside, slammed my bedroom door and cried for hours.
I needed this though, I needed to finally break down and let everything out.
I wasn't just sad and lonely anymore, I was angry.
I had sat in that stupid chair for ten minutes listening to Dr. Kapil explain to me that my baby had a 6% chance of survival. That there was a 94% chance that I was going to miscarry and a 74% chance that it was going to be in the next two months.

I don't think anyone knows what to do with me anymore.
Everyone acts so supportive and caring but you can tell that they're getting sick of me. Maybe not sick of me, but unsure of what they should do.
But what can they do really? What can they do to fix this? Nothing.

-------

3rd of November 2014, 3.03am
Dear Journal,

This was the one thing I was relying on to help me. To help me feel at least a bit better.
And it was most likely going to be taken away from me.
Everything gets taken away from me.
I feel so constantly enclosed, like I don't have the right to make my own choices. I shouldn't feel like this.
I should be planning what to wear for the date Liam and I should be having tonight, what I'm going to do for my 21st birthday. But I'm not.
The idea of getting up in the morning, eating, talking, being with anyone is off putting. I should be out living my life, and wanting to live it. But I'm forever wanting everything to be over.
So maybe that's what it should be.

-------

22nd of January 2012
"Liam, its beautiful!" I gasped as I opened up the black box.
"Only the best for my beautiful girl on her birthday" he smiled.
I pulled out the silver charm and examined it.
It was in the shape of a butterfly and written along the back in cursive was the words "I love you".
"Aw baby, thank you so much! I love you!" I squealed throwing my arms around his neck in joy.
I kissed him lightly before attaching the charm to my bracelet. My bracelet that my parents had given me for my 16th birthday.
"Happy 18th birthday Spencer" he whispered kissing me again.

--------

Present Day
I opened the bathroom cabinet and stared blankly at the rows of different materials stacked inside.
My eyes glanced over to what I was looking for and I slowly picked it out and placed it on the counter.
I breathed out deeply before I unscrewed the top of the lid and pouring too many into my hand.
"I'm sorry" I whispered as I threw my head back.