Hold me tight & don't let go.

Confusion.

“You can do this, it’s okay” Elena said reassuringly as Niall unlocked the door of Liam’s flat and we slowly walked inside.

“I can’t” I whispered collapsing slightly onto the kitchen counter.

Photos of Liam and I were everywhere. I’d never really noticed how much stuff there was to do with us here.

“It’ll be fine sweetie” Louis said wrapping his arms around my shoulders and squeezing me lightly.

All the boys, Elena and I had come to sort out Liam’s flat. Throw out food that had gone gross from the fridge, check no one had broken in, etc.

I picked up the photo next to me of Liam and I on the first anniversary of us being together. We looked so happy. We had already gone through so much together.

I walked over to Liam’s room and sat on his bed. It smelt amazing, it smelt of him. I laid down gently wrapping the blanket around me and digging my head into his pillows.

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“Spencer, wakey wakey” Zayn said gently shaking me slightly.

“Nooo” I whinged keeping my eyes closed and snuggling back into the bed.

I remember so many mornings waking up next to Liam with his arm draped over my waist and our legs linked together.

I would turn around and face him, watch him for a minute while his chest beautifully rose and fell to the sound of his breathing.

He’d open his eyes slowly and smile. Smile that beautiful smile of his, the one that makes my heart melt. The one that gets me through every day.

“Good morning gorgeous” he would say every morning before sitting up slowly and placing his lips on mine.

It hurts way too much to think that I might never have his lips on mine again.

He might not smile at me and whisper “Good morning gorgeous” ever again.

What if he does come home and he doesn’t love me? Why would he want to love me after what I said to him? I didn’t even let him explain. I don’t know for sure if he did it, but why would Vanessa lie about something like that?

I want to have him come up behind me, wrap his arms around me and whisper gently in my ear “I love you Spencer, always will” before spinning me around and kissing me passionately.

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14th of October 2014, 11.01pm

Dear Journal,

I can’t sleep. Not surprising. I haven’t been able to sleep properly since Liam went missing. If I do get to sleep – nightmares.

I’m over this though; I’m over feeling like this.

I’m over not having Liam here, not knowing if he’s okay.

God, I just love him more than anything else in the entire world.

I miss him so much.

I’m so confused about everything.

Why is this happening? How can I raise a baby without Liam?

Every time there’s a knock on the door, every time the phone rings, every time someone calls my name… I somehow every time convince myself that its him.

…. But it never is. I get my hopes up every time, and watch them fall.

I refuse to give up on him. I can’t. He’s my world.

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6th of November 2010

I stared at my parents grave, feeling numb.

The funeral had just ended. It doesn’t feel…real.

My. PARENTS. FUNERAL. Had. Just. Ended.

What the fuck is going on?

A pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist and pulled me securely into their embrace.

I knew who it was without them talking. It was Liam.

“I promise you that I’ll always look after you, I’ll always be there for you… I’ll never leave you alone” he whispered kissing my head.

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Present Day

He lied to me. I am alone.