Hold me tight & don't let go.

My heart needs you.

“Spence, are you ready? You don’t have to come if you’re not ready” Elena called through the bathroom door.

I looked up at the toilet. Another morning where the first thing I do is throw up.

I’m not physically sick during the rest of the day, I just feel it.

God, Liam, what are you doing to me?

For the first time since Liam went missing I’m going to work. Just to try it out.

I stood slowly, washed my hands and face, and put my hair up in a tight bun.

“You still coming love?” Elena asked when I opened the door.

I nodded and walked into my bedroom. I quickly shoved my house keys, car keys, phone and purse into my hand bag before slipping on my shoes and putting on my favourite scarf.

“It’s going to be good for you babe” Elena smiled.

“I hope so” I replied.

“Wait, just a second” I added quickly rushing back into my room.

I opened the top draw of my bedside table, grabbed out my journal and shoved it into my bag.

It had been 5 days since I’d wrote in it. I guess there was just nothing to say, I’d done nothing since then.

I’d basically sat in my room looking at photo albums or watching home movies of Liam and I.

I hope that going back to work… I would finally find something to write.

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“S! How are you?” Vanessa, who works at our coffee shop, said hugging me tightly.

“Get out” I whispered.

“What?” she replied.

“You’re the reason that Liam and I broke up. Get out. Now”.

She walked over to the counter, pulled out her hand bag from underneath and slowly walked out the door giving me a death stare.

I spent the next two hours making coffee and milkshakes while Elena was working the till and our other worker, Steph, was cleaning tables and serving.

We had 2 other employees but this was their day off, Joshua and Ethan.

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5th of October 2014, 1.19pm

Dear Journal,

Its my lunch break, finally. Today has been going so slowly. I’m hiding back in the supply c loset… crying.

I went back into the office room earlier to grab an order form for more iced coffee when I saw it. Saw the picture on my desk of Liam and I… Looking happy, looking in love, looking complete.

I wanna feel that way with him again.

I miss him more and more every day.

I can’t help but think it now… what if he doesn’t come home?

What if I’m left feeling like this forever.

What if I never feel whole again?

Does he still love me? After what I said to him? Will he ever want to be with me again? Will he ever kiss me so passionately that my whole world stops again? Will he ever look at me with the same admiration again?

Will I ever be the same without him?

13th of October 2010

Liam’s car turned up outside my house at exactly 6.45.

“Quickly, grab her bag!” Blair yelled at Elena while she finished off my make-up.

I chuckled and turned to look at myself in the mirror.

I readjusted my scarf and fixed my hair when I heard him knock on the door.

I was wearing a blue, mid-thigh length dress and black ballet flats.

“Go, go, have fun babe” Blair smiled hugging me.

I walked down the stairs and to the door.

“Here” Elena said handing me my hand bag, “text me if anything… happens” she winked.

“Shut up” I laughed kissing her cheek before I opened the door and walked outside.

“Hey” I said to Liam as I walked outside.

“Someone looks pretty” Liam smiled kissing me lightly.

I blushed and smiled.

“So, you wanna go?” he asked.

“Of course” I replied, taking his hand and walking to his car.