Fixed (Sequel to Broken)

19

"No! God no." I assured her, "Don't you worry, the doctors are gunna help you out. You're gunna be ok. I promise."

She shook her head to me.

"You just loved a little too much, baby." I told her.
She smiled.
"Get some sleep." I said.
"Will you be here in the morning?"
"Of course." I smiled at my precious girl.
I saw her close her eyes a quickly fall asleep.

•••

Two days passed. I refused to leave Sarah alone in this place. I refused to abandon her side.
Each day my worry only grew when no match was found.

"I'm scared." Sarah quietly said. "What if they can't find a match?"

"Don't say that." I took her hand.

"Niall, I'm O negative. Do you know how rare that blood type is?"

"They'll find a match." I tried to assure her.

"But what if they don't?!"

"They will!"

"But what if, Niall?!" she sternly spat, "It's been two days. The machines can only support me for so long... What if I die?"

"Don't say that." I began to cry, "You're not going to die! You hear me? You won't!"

"If I do..."

"Please don't say that." I begged as a tear shed.

"Just listen." Sarah hushed me, "If I do... if they don't find me a new heart, just if, I want to know... what you'll say at... at my funeral."

My stomach dropped in a knot at the thought of attending my girlfriend's funeral.

"I would say it all." I told her, "I would say that our story is one worth writing about. That we had the kind of love you think you can only find in the movies. I would say that I truly was madly, deeply, blindly, over the top, completely in love with you and I always will be. I'd quote your favorite book and say although the words are not my own I feel they describe me accurately when I say I fell in love the way you fall asleep, slowly and then all at once. And I'd say that I don't understand the meaning of sight sometimes, because I don't want to see a life... a world without you in it."

Her hand rose to my wet cheek and wiped away the tears.

"I love you, Sarah. That's all there is to it."

"I love you." She teared, "I always will."

"You're going to be alright. Okay?" I took her hand from my face and held it in mine.

"Okay."

••••

Another day passed. Day four came. I could hardly bare seeing her look so lifeless in her white skin with needles and tubes inside her. A machine to give her air in her lungs. When she slept, she looked dead. And every time I saw it, I died a little bit.

I was on the edge of sanity. Waiting and waiting for the doctors to tell me the operation would begin because they found a match. Today was my last hope. I was told, due to her condition, the machines and medication can only take her so far before her body can't handle taking it all in anymore.
Time was running out and I was standing here only able to watch the girl I love slowly die before my very eyes.
If I could I would die for her.
I would take her place.
I would do it in a second. I would do anything to let her live.
I would give my life for hers.
But in this situation, there is nothing more I can do than hope and pray for her life.

I sat in the chair I had been planted on for the past days and cried.
I cried with sorrow, but mostly with fear.

"So this is what it's like to be dying." Sarah suddenly choked out.

"You're not dying." I tried to say without a quivering lip.

"But Niall... I am."

"You're not. This won't kill you."

"It can't." She whispered and looked into my eyes, "I'm already dead."

"Niall." My name was called from the door way.
I looked up to meet eyes with the doctor. He gestured for me to join him in the hall. I slipped my fingers from Sarah's and joined the doctor, hoping he would tell me they found a match.

"Mr. Horan, this is indeed the worst part of my job. I'm sorry but Sarah is like an hour glass, and her sand on top is nearly gone."

"Please don't." I begged.

"It's not my choice. Her body can only hold out for today and possibly tomorrow. But if we don't find a new heart for her by tomorrow... She'll die in her sleep tomorrow night. I'm sorry."

"No. No. Please, God, no." I fell against the wall with rolling tears.

"There's nothing more we can do. I'm sorry. We'll hope for the best."

With that, I was left in the hallway to break. To fall apart. To mentally die. To break down and crumple to nothing. Because that's all I would be without her.
Nothing.

I was told I had to leave and only family members could stay at this point. Although I protested, in the end I couldn't win. I drove home and cried until there were no tears left in my body.

•••

Two days.
48 hours.
2,880 minutes.
172,800 seconds.
What felt like a life time of watching the clock.
No phone call. No text. No nothing. For all I know Sarah could be dead at this very moment and I have no way of knowing.
Did they find a match? Did the machines keep her alive by some miracle?
Or did not a single match come to her rescue? Did her body give out like they said it would?
Is she still alive? Or did her heart stop?
There was nothing for me to do but cry even more. I felt like my own heart began to fail with not knowing if that last day in the hospital was our last day together.

Will I never feel her lips against mine again?
Will I never share a bed with her again?
Will I have to speak in front of a crowd about the love we once had?
Will I now bring flowers to her grave?
Will she no longer be a normal part of my daily life?
Will I never share that apartment with her?
Will I never be able to purpose to her?
Will I never know what our kids would look like?
Will I never hold her in my arms again?
When someone asks where my girlfriend is, will I have to say she died?

Or will I be able to hold her again?
Will I see her in that white dress? Or will I see her in a black one?

The feeling of possibly losing her to this is something no being can handle. The pain, taking over my entire body and devouring it. My heart shivering in my cold body when every system in my body came to a stop. I lay on my bed with my heart still beating but never before in my life had I ever felt so dead. The pain, if I loose her, that alone could easily kill me. If she died, if she is gone, I will die too. A life without her is not a life I want to know. My heart will simply break in two. If she is dead I may as well collapse into my own grave and be buried next to hers.

A life without her would be like a canvas without color, boring.
Like a pit without light, dark.
Like a pencil without a tip, pointless.
Like a man without bones, impossible.
Like a book without word, incomplete.
Like a being without a heart, dead.
Like a shatter without fix, broken.
Like a me without her, nothing.

Then I heard a voice sniffle in more door way, "Niall?"
I turned and all my questions were answered.
And again came the tears.