Am I Transgender or Lesbian

He/Him/Her?

I think that in the eventuality that I can dress the way I want, (now I can't because of parental religious reasons), I would like to go by male pronouns.

I've experimented with a few men recently, to see whether I'd be attractedness to them or their genitals.

Suffice to say, I was not attracted nor aroused to them or the acts at all. In fact, I was disgusted and repulsed. Some might argue that the only reason I wasn't attracted to anything is because I didn't really know the people I was with, but for me, the more I know a person, the less likely it will be for me to desire sexual or romantic relations. I much prefer barely knowing the person or not at all.

Because I dress as a girl the way I must for these sake of keeping peace within my family, it is strange to hear a few of my friends referring to me as a male. And the discomfort comes from knowing that I look undeniably female and being called by "he" and "him" is just a constant reminder that I'm not a boy.

I am not really sure what this makes me. On one hand, if I can get away with being thought as a male, I become ecstatic. And I wish I could dress like a boy, look like one, and be taken as one.
On the other hand, I don't think I would describe my desire the same as the feeling of being born in the wrong body. Simply, I was born a female, how could have that been an accident. I completely respect those who do experience that feeling; but  personally, I don't. I would love to be a man, but I'm not. And as said in previous chapters, I don't really know what it is that makes a gender a gender. Especially when there are so many stereotypes and social expectations of what that might be.

At the end of the day, this might just be me trying to find more ways to deny my attraction to women. But that makes little sense when I put that next to reasoning that if that were true, why don't I just deny it instead of assuming another gender?

And I don't really know.

Even in the future when I do go by male pronouns, I know that I will end up letting people assuming my gender without correcting them. If they ask straight out, I will probably concede that I am a female. But I wonder if it really matters.
In truth, I don't look like a boy. My face is far too round, I'm short as hell, my voice is too girly, and a million other things.
I have no plans to get surgery, though I hate my breasts. I wouldn't call it dysphoria, but I get very uncomfortable looking at them and hate the shape underneath my shirt.
I don't really care that I have a vagina, bottom surgery doesn't really concern me. It used to though, about a year ago. I really wanted a penis but now I just figure it isn't worth the trouble.

So does this make me a trans? Confused? Gay? I have no flipping idea. It dies bother me and I think about it far too much without really really thinking about it. If that makes any sense at all.

Maybe I just don't want to deal with the reality.