Am I Transgender or Lesbian

Update

January is when I began writing this "story", and gosh, the amount I've learned throughout then and now is honestly mind-blowing. I've become enormously more educated about the LGBTQ+ community, and as a result, become a complete and utter liberal.

And to be honest, I'm not very happy about that.

I've always been a very open-minded conservative, yet now, I speak for rights that I never would have otherwise. Suddenly my family is rolling their eyes at me, and college peers laugh. The second people speak about oppression, gender, gender roles/expression, feminism, and/or war, they immediately turn to me with a wide smile on their faces, egging me on without a word, knowing that I'm going to take the bait. And I do, and I feel like I'm speaking to children.

It's my policy that I will not make any claims without facts and research to back them up, so of course I look at both sides of arguments before discussing them, but whenever I find myself in a "controversial" discussion with another person, I find that they are far to emotional to argue with. Emotions are important, but don't really have much of a place in the way of a factual interaction.

Recently I've been reading my writings about queer (is that offensive? Like considered a slur?) related matters from some two years ago, and although see that my thought process was slightly more narrow and set in the base of logical thinking and not modern ideas of logical thought, at least they were products of MY thoughts, and not societies now engrained ideologies in me.
We may have made leaps and bounds in terms of acceptance in society, but we have still have a long long way to go. And I hope that eventually, people can speak with more logic than 100% emotion that is displayed now in arguments.

By nature, I'm very logical. Which is why all this messes with my head, and I'm still trying to find the right medium.
Like I watch Ben Shapiro and Hunter Avallon, two very extreme conservatives. And I also watch Machaizelli Kahey (aka, MacDoesIt), an open and loving liberal, and they are each on an extreme end of the spectrum; and I can't quite seem to find anyone who has a healthy medium.

Like as I get deeper and deeper into the gender and sexuality community, more and more terms are now being added on. They are being coined as "Tumblr's infinity genders" which seems inappropriate appropriate enough. However, it has become a toxic and an uninviting place for those who actually need it.
Some examples of added terms include demisexual, demiboy, demigirl, genderfluid, greyace, etc. And as much as people may identify with these, I'm curious as to whether specific preferences can really be categorized as a whole different spectrum. I would never disrespect those who do go by those terms and identify with them, however I questioned ethnicity of them.

There is a big argument now that revolves around whether it is transphobic to not want to date individuals who are transgender, and honestly it scares me to speak of it because I get attacked from qll sides on various forms of media. Yet I strongly believe that it is a personal preference and in no way transphobic to not want to date them. I know that I receive a lot of hate from this, but it's my personal opinion.

Because honestly, if people are considered transphobic for not wanting to date a person who is transgender, then I feel as if the same argument could be made for those who have a gender preference, and can just as easily be called sexist for not wanting to date a man or a woman. And doesn't that sound ridiculous? It seems so.

I use the same logic to apply to those that claim that gender is a social construct, which I do believe in many but certain ways. Again, I don't like to make claims that I can't back up, which is why I can't say as much for this issue. However, if everything is a social construct, then people would not feel the need to transition.
Which brings up another point of the one and only Tumblr, there are people on that platform that believe that transitioning is transphobic. Unbelievable, I know.

Which brings up again to social construct, is social construct a bad thing and if so, why?
Because I feel as if this argument does go hand-in-hand an ideology that is similar to feminism and equal rights, many times people forget that equal rights means equal opportunity, and not to throw any shade at anyone, but we aren't equal. We do have differences, but whoever said that differences were a bad thing? They may be inconvenient at times, but there are advantages and disadvantages to each.

I know that this chapter is controversal enough without adding on, so I'm going to end it here.

I guess my point was, that much as I wish that I was born a boy, I know that transitioning and people calling me by male pronouns, won't make me a man.
I know that transgender is a real thing, and I know now that I'm not it.
I know that there are also non-binary people that transition anyway, but I'm not one of those.
I don't really know what my problem is. I just know that right now I'm in a state of a little bit of panic. Because  this coming Sunday is one of my cousins Bar-Mitzvah's, which is a Jewish celebration of a boy's 13th birthday in commemoration of them becoming a man. And as cool as it is for them and the rest of my family, I'm absolutely devastated that I have to go. I absolutely hate social interactions, especially family gatherings. And I'm going to have to get all dressed up for it.
My mom keeps getting angry that I don't dress or act feminine, and frankly I'm so sick of fighting that I'm going to just give in. I've already begun to grow my hair out, and even though I'm really disgusted by it, since it's almost a bob, I can't cut it again because I want to make my mom happy. So I guess on Sunday I'm going to go full out, I'm going to wear a dress, put on makeup, jewelry, and heels, and hopefully that will make my mom happy, even if it's temporary.
Oh crap, I just remembered I'm going to have to wear a bra as well. Fuck.