Am I Transgender or Lesbian

Past

Okay, you know what, forget it. I'm not in love with my best friend. It was a momentary thought of madness when I wrote the last chapter, and I take it back completely. I do not like her like that at all.

Something's been happening, and I don't like it. Except that I kind of do, which goes against everything that I'm supposed to or not supposed to do, or feel, or think.

I've been getting dreams. Reoccurring dreams. And they're about a girl who hurt me badly some years ago. When I wake up there's a confusion, and I want to go back to sleep. Because in a way, I want her back. I know the dreams are supposed to be a product of the thoughts that you have during the day, but I also know that dreams are a part of the subconscious that we are not aware of, which I suppose would explain it. Though it's still as surprising.

And it's a crazy thing, the fact that I dream about this girl. For she is the one that imposed the fear that I have of anybody touching me. She's the one who made me afraid of anything in close contact. She is the one that hurt me so badly that I was not a normal person during high school. She hurt me so much to the point that I became desensitized to normal pain. Instead,  becoming a person of little emotion, with a ridiculously dark and offensive of sense of humor. She took my innocence, and anything and everything with it that stood in her way. Be it my body, lips, tears, and endearingly naive mindset.

And I'm not still hurting, at least I didn't think I was. But somehow, she still comes into my dreams, and instead of being repulsed when I wake up, I crave contact with her instead. They say that the abused goes back to the abuser, and I couldn't agree more. It's a sick, sick thing, but it is true. That the comfort and familiarity in the pain is alluring.

After everything that happened went down, we didn't speak for about two years. Which wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that I saw her every single day, which I can assure you was a painful, painful thing. I had to finish the school year with her, and I live in a very small town so I would see her anyway every single day even when I switched schools. Often, she would be walking with other girls that I knew, so I would be forced to stop to talk to the other girls and be completely pretentiously oblivious of her.

Eventually, in my last year of high school, I decided enough was enough. And the next time I bumped into her and another girl knew, I was open and friendly towards her. And from there, we had decent exchanges of safe conversations. We never spoke about the unspoken, and I was convinced that I had found my peace.

I guess I was wrong.