All right, do you want to hear something bad that happened? Of course you do. I discovered something terrible. I discovered that I am in love with my best friend.
And it's the most horrific realization ever.
I literally have no idea what to do about it, and in some sense I'm thinking that maybe I don't have to do anything at all but pretend that I never realized it. Because, let's be realistic, I will never be able to date her. I am way too afraid of messing up our friendship, and honestly she is way too good for me and I would never ever be good enough for her. First of all, I told her that I'm straight. Which isn't saying much, since obviously she knows that isn't true, much as I deny it. And I guess I would never be confident enough to pull off being her girlfriend.
I mean, for one, she's smoking hot. For two, she is as smart as smart can get. Thirdly, besides being so totally out of my league, I would never be able to do anything sexual with her.
And I don't think this is just regular love, I mean I don't think it's like a brotherly love. Yeah sure, I want to protect her like crazy and I go nuts when people are mean to her and I want to hold her close every second and when she touches me, not even sexually just absentmindedly, my insides go crazy.
She herself is open to the idea of dating me, she tells me nearly every single time we speak that she would totally date me. I mean we kissed twice, but she is the one who kissed me and I'm pretty sure it was in a friendly manner. And honestly I would never be able to sleep with her, I feel way too uncomfortable with the idea of her seeing my body as I don't even look at it myself.
I guess the bottom line is, I don't know what to do with this knowledge. Especially when I know that I potentially could date her. And I know that I'm never going to do anything about it, but I'm still unsettled with this discovery. I mean, what the hell are you supposed to do when you're in love with your best friend? It's so weird. So fricking weird.
Aw man. I never had to deal with this before. Hell, I've never been in love before.
I'm so doomed.
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Am I Transgender or Lesbian
Non-FictionI guess this is less of a story and more of a journal. I'm going nuts in my head with my sexuality and aspects of my life and past, so I may as well get it out on the screen.
