Am I Transgender or Lesbian

Pants

I didn't realize how much I need to dress the part that I want in order to feel truly comfortable.

A few days ago, I snuck into my brothers room and ran out with a pair of cargo pants.
Growing up, I had always been sneaking into the boys room (I had four brothers) and trying on all of their clothes. I have always been quite short and chubby so I never found that they ever fit too well.
But at this point, my brother is quite large and what I don't have in height is made up by my waist line, so the pants fit fine.
The moment was actually very surreal. I zipped it up, did the button, and slipped a blue t-shirt over my binder, and looked up at the huge wall mirror.
I was lost for words and just turned around a little, adjusted the binder, played a bit with different poses and positions, messed with my hair, and then I fell backwards on my bed with my head in my hands.

I was just so ridiculously happy and didn't know how to express it. I haven't cried in so many years, I don't remember the last time. And there I was, heaving like world hunger had been solved. I wasn't even crying, but my eyes did get glassy and I was very red. I stood there for maybe a half an hour, just trying to mold into the fake boy in the mirror, just to have a chance at a man's heart in men's pants.

This probably sounds highly melodramatic to most, but anyone who is in a religious environment (at least one similar to mine) understands that women cannot wear pants or short sleeves. The laws are obviously more extensive than that, but that is the gist of it.

I wish I could wear pants, always.

Today my family was invited to a cousin's house for a meal and my mother wouldn't let me wear a shirt and skirt, instead insisting that I wear a dress. It was really painful walking around in a it. In a weird way, I felt really, really ashamed to be out in public in a dress. So I just walked as fast as I could, even though realistically no one even cares.

What
The
Hell
Is
Wrong
With
Me