Am I Transgender or Lesbian

Break-Up

Well, I guess it's over.

David and I broke up.

And I feel really guilty for being so relieved.

He seemed to understand, although I doubt that makes it any easier for him. And he didn't deserve this. Any of this. I do have consolation in knowing that I wasn't leading him on, but my consolation is small in comparison to his disappointment. Right now he's kind of off. He told me that he's going to be taking some time to himself and that he might ignore me for a bit. And I understand that.

The situation is curious to me because I don't see why anybody would like me like that. Although if I had to wager a guess, I would say that it's because I've shown only the best parts about me and nothing more. And I admit, the best parts about me are pretty darn cute, but it feels forced when put next to the masculine side of me which makes up most of my being and had to be quietened when we were together.

I really hope that he finds someone new, though he doesn't seem sure that he will. He didn't only refer to me as his girlfriend, but as his lifelong partner and his plan for life. He wove plans and dreams and I played along with them for the sake of making him happy; but obviously I didn't do such a fantastic job, being as I couldn't pretend anymore.

Everything really went down when he confessed to me how uncertain he was about our relationship because he didn't know where I stand in it and where he is in my life. And I decided to just come clean.
I told him that he's my best friend, I told him how much I like him, I told him how much I don't want to hurt him, I told him how I would love to meet him in the future. And I also told him,
I told him that I couldn't see him in a romantic or sexual light, I told him that I don't see him as a mate or a  partner, I told him that I don't see us spending our future together, but rather that we would always be in each other's lives but in a different way, I told him how much I value our friendship, and I told him how hard I've tried to grow feelings for him but was unsuccessful.

He took it hard, as expected. And started giving me weird mixed replies. Saying things like how he could only also see me as a best friend, and other things like how many feelings he has for me, and how he's going to have to work to get over me, and how he doesn't see me in a romantic or sexual light either.
He was saying completely contradictory things and I can't make head or tale of it. Though I feel like in some way, he's just denying that he ever had feelings for me to avoid embarrassment or further heartbreak.

And now he's not really replying to me, he's giving me short answers, he's replying minimally to my texts, and we haven't spoken on the phone for a while now. He seems disinterested and detached. And I guess I can't blame him. I promised him that I would give him time, and that I would wait until he collected his bearings, and I'm making good on my word.
I just feel terrible for having caused him undeserved pain.

But for myself? The selfish part of me? That part of me is just completely relieved that I don't have to pretend any longer. Not just pretend, just very relieved that I no longer have a boyfriend. And it's safe to say that I am not attracted to men. Though only god knows how scared I am to say that. I know that we never met in real life, but I really believe that long-distance relationships are workable.

And for now? Now I'm giving it a rest. I had my taste of a relationship and I realize now that commitment isn't really my thing. He knew all of this going in, the break-up wasn't blind.

I have never once been in love. Or perhaps, I just don't know the feeling being associated with the title. What does it mean to be in love? Is that that warm fuzzy feeling and fireworks in the stomach that is often described in books and movies? Is it the feeling of always wanting to protect the other person and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them? I don't know. If anyone knows, feel free to clue me in. As I am completely ignorant.
And I don't know what it is most about a relationship that makes me not want it so strongly. Maybe it's my fear of hurting the other person, maybe it's the fear of letting my true self show, maybe it's the fear of commitment, I haven't the slightest idea as to why I regard it with weariness.

Because I'm a fiercely loyal person, I can love someone with my heart and soul, I'm honest, and I won't lie. I put myself aside for others, usually too much. But I'm always happy to do it. And aren't these things the basis and the founding of a relationship? If so, then what do I care to be committed to a person if I have these traits anyway? Maybe it's just a matter of finding the right person. Maybe I have to figure myself out first before getting involved with anyone. Maybe I should just shut up and watch Netflix all day. The last one sounds the most appealing to be honest.

Hopefully David will thaw soon. And hopefully, if not only for my sake then for the sake of others, hopefully I'll be able to figure myself out.