bleed me | jin ✔

E I G H T

My love,

When will I get to see you again? 

I know I will, at one point, and that's what scares me the most.

Because when I see you, I know I will still love you. But will you still love me?

I'm scared of the answer.

J. 

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Monday

He opened his eyes to the crack in the ceiling, the sun barely making it past the closed shades of his bedroom. He looked over at the clock on the bedside table. 6:58. He had two minutes left to sleep. 

He closed his eyes, trying to relax for the few minutes left, like somehow these two minutes would make a difference in his energy for the day.

But it was useless. His mind was still full of thoughts, like it had been all day yesterday, and like it had been all night long. 

He had been thinking of her and their encounter. He replayed it again and again and again in his mind. He kept seeing her wide eyes, staring at him in surprise. The way she hesitated when she spoke to him, somewhat awkwardly. The softness in her voice, the way she said his name. It kept replaying it in his mind, and it was slowly driving him insane. 

His alarm started beeping, and he shut it off, taking a deep breath before standing up.

But for the first time in three years, he wasn't wondering when he would see her again. No, he was thinking of how it would be when he saw her again. 

But somehow, he wasn't sure which one was better. 

And that scared him.

Tuesday

He opened his eyes to the crack in the ceiling, and the sound of his alarm ringing loudly. He reached out and shut it off, quickly standing up from his bed and making his way to the kitchen.

Yesterday had been a blur, and he knew today wouldn't be different. He was so distracted by the thought of June, he couldn't focus on anything. 

He poured himself a bowl of cereal and ate it while staring at the picture above the table. 

He couldn't help but find it strange, the way she was frozen in the picture. When he had seen her, she felt different. Her hair was a little shorter, her hips a little bigger, and her eyes, they held a different expression. 

She was beaming when he took that picture of her, by the beach on a cold November morning. It had been a grey day, but her eyes lit the whole scene. The light in them never failed to take his breath away.

But when he saw her, that light wasn't there anymore, it was gone. And he didn't know what to make of it. 

He had this image of her in his mind for three years. And now, he knew it had been a lie. She hadn't been the way he saw her in his mind, she had been different.

And that scared him.

Wednesday

He opened his eyes to the crack in the ceiling, but he didn't see it. In fact, he barely saw anything that day. He was too consumed by his eagerness, his excitement, his nervousness, his fears.

It was tonight that he would see her, at 6. Tonight, he would finally know everything. What she had been doing these last three years, what her life was like now, if she still loved him like he still loved her. 

He lived his day as any other day prior to that. He ate breakfast quickly, took the subway to his work, greeted his boss, run analysis reports on this month's financial data, ate lunch alone in the cafeteria while reading the newspaper, finished his work, and took the subway. 

He did it all automatically, because that was his everyday life, and he couldn't do anything else when his mind was so preoccupied. It was full of thoughts, but these thoughts were frozen. They lived in him, they inhabited him in a way that that could not be forgotten, yet they could not be felt. 

He had so many feelings for so long now, for three years. He couldn't bring himself to live them, rather than ignoring them and hoping they would go away like he did those last three years. 

Because this time, he didn't want to let them go, now that she was so close. He wanted them to stay in him, stay until she would be back in his arms, until he could love her again. 

He got out at Hapjeong station and waited in front of the main exit, nervously looking around. It was 17:55, she would soon be here. 

He felt his heartbeat pick up. What if she didn't come? What if she changed her mind? 

Just as he had these thoughts, he saw her walking towards him from far away. He looked over her neat clothes, meeting her eyes as she neared him. She smiled softly at him.

He took a deep breath. Her smile, it was still the same. It lit up her whole face, making her dimples appear and her eyes shine. 

But somehow, it didn't make his heart flutter like it did three years ago. No, it made him want to cry.

And that scared him.