bleed me | jin ✔

S E V E N T E E N

My love,

I don't think I ever told you this, but the first time we met, I remember thinking: "This is the person that will change my life." And you did, you changed my life.

I used to think it was for the better, then for the worst. But now I don't know anymore. 

J.

__________

Exiting on the busy street of Mangwon felt like he stumbled right into another reality. Whereas in June's apartment it had felt like the world was ending, the outside world was bubbling. It was sunny and warm, street vendors were putting up their stalls, and birds were singing loudly. 

It was painful. For the first time in years, he wasn't hoping to see her again, or waiting to see her again. Rather, he knew he might never see her again. And strangely, he was okay with it, even if it hurt.

He was okay with it, because he knew he needed to get over her, finally. He needed not to forget, but to make peace with their ending, with their goodbyes. He needed to make peace with his new life, a life in which she wasn't the main character that was somehow missing from the story. 

Letting go didn't mean forgetting about her or the love he had for her. It meant choosing to live his life, put an end to the suffering and try to finally be happy. Try to be a part of this world, not because he had to, but because he wanted to. 

All these years, he thought she had been the piece that was missing for him to feel complete. Now he knew he was missing her, but she wasn't the missing piece. That missing piece was still nowhere to be found, but now he would at least try.

Now that he wasn't blinded by his love for her, he could see clearer. Whereas before he would close his eyes and see her, now he wanted to close his eyes without pain. He would still see her for a while, of course. But he hoped that someday the sight of her would be replaced by something else, something that made him happy. 

What would that something be? He didn't know. Maybe his job? He could definitely find one he would like better. Maybe his family? He hadn't called his mom in a while, and he wondered if her health was still good. Maybe his friends? Jungkook always had been the one calling him to hang out, and maybe sometimes he could reciprocate. Maybe he could even call Yoongi and bond with him over drinks and shared memories of their time in hell. 

He made it home in that mindset. That somehow he would live his life and find happiness, even if it meant searching forever. 

Entering his tiny apartment, his eyes caught the sight of the picture framed above the dining table. June's lifeless shiny eyes were staring at him, her smile lighting the whole picture.

Shit. Who was he kidding? Forgetting her would be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do, he knew it. But it was necessary. 

Tearing his eyes away from the picture, he grabbed his cellphone and dialed Jungkook's number. It took a single ring before Jungkook answered.

"Hyung? What's wrong?" He sounded alarmed. 

"Uh? Nothing wrong, why?" Jin said, softly and a little confused. 

"Well, you're calling me, so there must be something wrong." Jungkook was talking almost nervously, so much Jin barely recognized the boy who was always smiling.

"Nothing's wrong, Jungkook. I just felt like calling." He said, trying his best to make his voice sound strong. He wasn't strong, but he wanted to be. 

Fake it 'til you make it, they say.

"What happened? Tell me." Jungkook pressed on.

Jin was about to mechanically answer that nothing had happened, that everything was okay, but he stopped himself before the words came out.

Didn't he want to move on, to live his life? He was missing something, he didn't know what, but he felt like he could find out, eventually, even if it took a while. And to find out, he needed to stop lying. He needed to stop telling people that he was fine, because he wasn't. He needed to stop telling people that nothing had happened, because June, the army, the pain, it had all happened, and it was still happening. And it made him not fine. 

"I... It's June. We're over." He breathed out, hesitating for a few seconds. "For good." He added, his voice breaking on the last word. He closed his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing, because he felt on the verge of crying and he didn't want that.

Shit. Admitting it out loud to someone else hurt more than he thought it would. It made it real. A part of him didn't want it to be real, but the other part knew it had to be. It was an inner battle, and the second part had already won the war. 

"Oh." Jungkook's voice was heard after a few seconds. "I see. I'll be right over, Hyung. Do you want to play Overwatch or eat cookies? Maybe both? I'll bring both." He talked fast, like he was in crisis mode and nothing could stand in his way.

Jungkook had always been that guy who could do everything.

"O- Okay." Jin stuttered, because he was a little taken aback by Jungkook's proactivity. But maybe that's what he needed, after being so destroyed for the last few years.

"Great, I'll be there in 20 minutes." Jungkook declared before hanging up. 

Jin sighed. Hopefully Jungkook would find the way to his place, unlike the last time. He kept his phone in his hands as he walked to his bedroom, laying down on his unmade bed. 

He started counting the seconds until Jungkook would arrive, because it was the only thing that kept him from falling into a sea of anguish about his life and his future. 

20 minutes was 1,200 seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4... 

He closed his eyes as he counted. 34, 35, 36...

He opened his eyes again, and they focused on the crack in the ceiling as a habit. 67, 68, 69, 70...

The crack. It reminded him of this song his mom loved. 

There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. 

He closed his eyes again, falling into the darkness. He had a crack in him, in his soul. But he knew that, eventually, the light would get in.