bleed me | jin ✔

F I F T E E N

A/N - Warning: This chapter contains foul language. 

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My love, 

I cheated on you today. Is it still considered cheating if we aren't together because you broke up with me? I don't know. I thought of you, and even said your name at one point. After he left, I laid there for two hours, just because I felt so empty inside. 

I thought it would help me move on, you know. It didn't. It's been months, so many I lost count. I want to move on. I don't know what will help me do it, but whatever it is, I need to find it. 

J.

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Jin opened his eyes to the crack in the ceiling, lazily stretching his arms over his head. He slowly turned towards the bedside table, wishing to find his phone, but his eyes snapped back to the ceiling above him in alarm.

The crack wasn't there. 

The crack in the ceiling, it wasn't there. 

In fact, he now noticed that the ceiling wasn't white, it was light beige. A color he hated more than any other color. But that was beside the point, because he was awake enough to remember now. 

That wasn't his ceiling. It was June's ceiling.

He wasn't lying in his bed, he was lying in June's bed. 

He hadn't fallen asleep alone last night, he had fallen asleep with June. 

Shit.

He closed his eyes quickly. He wasn't ready to open them yet. He needed to digest what had happened. 

He tried his best to stay still as he remembered last night's unexpected ending. Or was it not unexpected? Could things like that really be unexpected?

It wasn't like he had planned to come back to her apartment. It just happened. He hadn't planned to kiss her. It just happened. Once in the middle of the street, and then about a million times as they slowly became one again. 

Shit.

He would be lying if he said he hadn't wish for it, yet when it happened it took him completely by surprise.

He could see it playing again in his mind. She had tasted so sweet, so heavenly. But somehow it wasn't the same taste as before. It used to be strawberries and vanilla, along with a warmness that made him feel like they weren't meant to be apart, ever. 

But last night, it wasn't that. The strawberries were still there, of course, as sweet as ever. The vanilla scent still lingered on her as well. But where he used to feel warmness, now he could only feel a mix of lust and nostalgia. Lust for each other, of course. But nostalgia for what they used to be, for the way they made each other feel.

Shit.

The way her lips formed his name, the way her hands travelled along his back, it had all been a little hesitant. Like she wasn't sure he was there, like she wasn't sure this was real. 

He had been the same, uncertain if it was real or not. It had happened, of course. But his memory was foggy and his mind was bare, and it didn't feel like it had been real. He felt like it all happened to another Jin, one that was still living three years in the past. 

He wasn't that Jin anymore. He was more cynical, more lonely, more wary. Two years in the army had that effect on you. It made you feel like you weren't in control of your destiny, like the only thing you had to do everyday was to stay alive. Stay alive until your two years were over.

Shit.

He hated that he had to enlist, he hated that it took her away from him, he hated that he changed so much in three years and that he wasn't the same anymore, no matter how much he wanted to. More importantly, he hated that he couldn't feel with her what he felt three years ago, what he used to feel every moment they would talk and be together. Why couldn't it feel the same?

For six years he had been in love with her. Three of those years were the best of his life. The next three were the worst. And now, he wondered if they were the worst because she hadn't been there, or because he had made them the worst. Because she was here now, by his side, in the same freaking bed, and he still felt broken inside. Broken, like the thing that was meant to keep the pieces of his heart together was missing. 

But if she wasn't that thing, the thing that was missing, what was it? What was it that kept him so fucking broken? Did he really want to know?

He felt her shifting on the bed, right beside him. But he didn't want to open his eyes, not yet. Because opening them meant seeing something he didn't want to see. It meant seeing that June and him, somehow, they would never be the same as before.