eyes closed, i'm awake

e l e v e n - tangled

"This is not a poem!"

he screams, shaking his head

and burying his fist in the wall

I watch him with tears falling from my eyes,

covering my mouth and he pulls his

hand back with a gasp of agony

He says,

"fuck" and I back away as he

looks up at me, begging,

"I'm sorry,"

but I had already turned around

and was walking down the hall to

lock myself in our bedroom but

he caught my arm and pulled me back

even though I tried to escape him

and wrapped his arms around me and

pressed me to his back

He whispered,

"I'm sorry"

and I nodded my head,

wiping at the tears that kept falling

with such a stupid persistence

I knew he didn't mean to overreact

the way he did,

it was just because he couldn't handle his

emotions quite well and I knew that

I once again would listen to his sobs

during the night and he would mumble to himself,

"you're not real you're not you're not real" and

I knew that his words would fade, crack, twist and bend into,

"I'm not real I'm not real I'm not real"

I felt his heartbeat to my shoulder, and he hugged

me tightly; as if he feared that if he let go

I would run and lock the door between us

and forever keep him outside

I could hear his soul shattering,

his teeth breaking as he bit his

nails raw and ran fingers through

his hair

I could hear his heartbeat even though we were in separate rooms,

I could hear the clicking of the pen that he used

to keep himself from smoking

because he could no longer step out

on our balcony without fearing

that he would throw himself down

It wasn't you today, it was "he"

And for the first time in a long time

we had a fight

and even though he screamed

he hated me and I screamed

he was nothing but a pshycopath

(he apologised and felt bad,

but what he said was nothing compared to what

I said about him since him being insane

was such a sensitive subject and I said that to him,

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself)

we fell asleep tightly pressed to each other,

my small body held in his arms and

our legs tangled