Behind The Scenes: Book Two || Jihope

VI: The Whole Package

Hoseok became frozen. His mind too empty to form a sentence. He wanted to get up and run away but his muscles seemed to be numb and so he could only watch as Jimin turned around to face him. "I- I'm sorry" Hoseok said, being the first thing that came to his troubled mind. "I woke you up" he continued, not really being able to see the expression Jimin was wearing because of how dark the room was. This was bad. Why did he always do things without thinking them through? Now his only concern was to know at what point had Jimin woken up and started listening. Doubt that was cleared when Jimin replied to his impromptu apology. "It's alright, hyung. Who wouldn't like to hear an I love you as a wake up call" the younger chuckled, rubbing his fist against his left eye. That meant he hadn't heard his confession, right? Hoseok thought with a little bit of relief starting to bloom inside his body.

"I'm sorry about what I told you this afternoon, hyung" Jimin spoke with a low voice that revealed the discomfort he felt. "Don't worry about it" J Hope answered, finally being able to breathe again after noticing that Jimin hadn't heard his confession. "I didn't mean to react like that. I just felt...trapped" Jimin explained with a whispering voice that somehow made Hoseok realize how troubled his dongsaeng felt. "Can I slide under the covers next to you?" Hobi asked shyly, thinking that maybe if he provided a safe environment, Jimin would talk about what was making him feel so unhappy. "Of course. Why are you asking that all of a sudden? We sleep together often" Jimin replied somewhat confused and making Hoseok feel a little embarrassed. Chimchim had a point. Hoseok lifted the fabric and slid next to Jimin, who moved aside a little in order for Hoseok to comfortably lie next to him. 

Unlike the previous times Jimin had mentioned, none of them dared to put their arms around each other. Hoseok could not do that much after having confessed his feelings in such a free way and he thought that Jimin was still feeling awkward about the discussion they had had earlier. That's why, it was better to keep distance. At least for now. "Jiminie" he called silently with the younger only humming in response. "Why are you unhappy? Do you feel stressed out? If you need a break, we could always talk to Bang PD about it" Hoseok said trying not to sound harsh, last thing he wanted now was for Jimin to get upset again. "No, it's not that" Jimin answered, instantly sighing and turning around so that he didn't face J Hope.  It was not that Jimin wanted Hoseok to feel bad, it was that he felt too ashamed to talk about those issues. 

"It's not that I am not happy with our life right now, hyung" Jimin started explaining with a calm and soft tone. "It's that I'm just not happy with myself" he continued with a soft voice. "Can you tell me why?" J Hope asked tenderly. Making sure of not pushing the younger too much. "I haven't reached my ideal weight yet. Despite all my hard work! Our comeback is getting closer and closer. I don't want to look like a pig on stage" Jimin confessed, fear being almost palpable in his voice. That's when Hoseok was finally able to understand exactly where Jimin was coming from. Out of all of them, Jiminie had been the one to stand the most pressure on his looks. In fact, a little after he was picked to be a member of Bangtan Soyeondan, Jimin had told Hoseok that he thought he had only been chosen because of his looks and not exactly because of his talent. Hoseok had dismissed the comment by telling him that his looks were as much of a factor as his many talents. It was a secret to no one that idols were indeed chosen in part by their looks. This because apart from singing and dancing, they were expected to model, act and do promotions, as well. Therefore, all idols needed to be the whole package.

It was hard, specially for those who the public chose to call ugly. Hoseok himself had been the target of that word many times. Jimin, on the other hand, had been the target of a worse judgement: being called fat even when he wasn't. Hoseok would like to say that Bangtan and BigHit didn't help those accusations but he would be completely lying. For a good period of time, Jimin was put under a strict diet along with Seokjin. He believes Jin got through it just fine, but during those months, Jimin's energy had greatly reduced. Being in love with him, Hobi had noticed the change almost immediately, unfortunately, no one else had. Jimin had been teased because of his weight by pretty much every single member of BTS, including Hoseok himself. He was not proud of it and he always made sure to apologize right after but the damage had already been done.

It wasn't until the preparation for *WINGS that the members noticed drastic changes in Jimin's eating habits. He started by refusing to have dinners with the other six members to soon, stop eating dinner at all. J Hope tried making special meals for him which Jimin gladly ate but he would not have anything but water for the rest of the day. At a point, when they were learning the choreo for *Blood, Sweat & Tears, Jimin had left rehearsal early which was very unlikely of him. Namjoon had then found him almost motionless at their home. That's when they knew that the problem had gone too far and none of them were proud to say that they had just watched and not done anything until it got really bad. All the members absolutely adored Jimin, so it was not like they had done so out of lack of love, it was more of the fact that they all dealt with their own problems. Whether it was being stressed out by not getting the choreo steps right, or feeling anxious about filling the main producer's expectations, they all had some kind of trouble to deal with.

However, after the rehearsal incident, they had all been devoted to take care of Chimchim and up until now, Hoseok blindly believed that it was working. Being honest, Jimin's confession was heart breaking for J Hope, how could Jimin not realize how beautiful he was. How perfect he  already was. "You can not look like something you are not, Jiminie" Hoseok spoke after a long silence. "I still need to drop like nine pounds, Hobi- hyung. Please don't lie to try to make me feel better" the younger replied with an annoyed tone that made Hoseok want to take his words back. "Please, don't tell Suga- hyung or anybody else about this" Jimin requested upon noticing Hoseok's lack of response. "I won't. I promise" Hoseok assured him finally turning around to hug his dongsaeng by the waist and spooning him very tightly. Despite Hoseok feeling a little doubtful about doing so, Jimin accepted the embrace as he always did: pressing his body against the older's and grabbing J Hope's hand, only this time the younger chose to intertwine their fingers. 

"Thank you for listening" Jimin spoke again, pretending to be sleepy. "I'll always listen to you, Jiminie, and I promise to go with you through this journey" Hoseok responded, tightening his arm around Jimin's very slim body. "Good night, Jiminie" the older completed, planting a soft kiss on Jimin's hair. "Good night, hyung" Jimin answered faking an exhausted voice. It wasn't long until Jimin noticed that Hoseok had fallen asleep. Jimin slowly turned his body around to face his sleeping hyung, pulling the older's head to rest on his shoulder. J Hope didn't even flinch at the motion. 

Jimin locked his gaze on the ceiling as he heard his hyung sleeping so soundly. He had not planned on telling Hoseok or anybody else about his problems, but how could he deny that information from the very person that had just confessed his love for him. He had thought of revealing to J Hope that he had heard it all at first, but after seeing Hobi's frozen expression, he had decided against it. Plus, if he was honest, he wasn't sure how to feel about it. Maybe a part of him always knew of Hobi's feelings for him and maybe, just maybe, he harbored similar ones towards his hyung. However, if he thought about it, Hoseok was an amazing person. He was as bright as the sun itself and he had a lot of love in his heart to offer. Hobi probably deserved better than him, someone prettier, more talented and less of a burden. So no matter what he felt, Jimin knew that Hoseok deserved better. A lot better.

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References

• WINGS: BTS' Second Korean Studio Album. Released on October 10, 2016.

• Blood, Swear & Tears: "피 땀 눈물" (Pi Ttam Numul). Main single and second track of WINGS album. Korean release: October 10, 2016. Japanese release: May 10, 2017.