Love and Lies (I loved him but he lied)

XIII. The Denial Stage

That night, I didn't sleep. Still thinking deeply what went wrong. How it happened. Why it happened.... And a lot of other "whys". Since, I couldn't sleep, I thought of writing him an email. (Brace yourselves because this is gonna be a very long email.)  I copy-pasted some from the breakup email I created for him before. At least he'll still know the things that I wanted to tell him when I was thinking of breaking up with him.

Here's the email that I composed that night and sent it to him the next morning at 8:15am:
I'm still hurting and I'm sure you understand that. Anyway, this is just the first day since we broke up. 24 hours is not enough for me to move on. (To be exact, it's just 22 hours).

Firstly, you are not obligated to reply to this email, just read it... I just want to let out this pent-up emotion inside me. Read it in your free time so you won't be in a hurry. Secondly, this is not a "take-me-back-into-your-arms" email as it would be pathetic to do that. Thirdly, I just want to express myself. You know me, I love to write... so I'm going to write you a novel-like email. Also I'll take this as one way of moving on quicker. Knowing that I was able to say the things I wanna say to you before we finally disappear from each other's life.

Okay, I'll be honest... I still can't believe that we broke up over a shallow reason. If she's just a friend, why went so mad when I chatted her. I remember the time when I sent you the old pic you two had, you also got so angry with me. I was hurt but I let it go. But deep in my mind, I had a question, "why would he be so mad at me for asking about her?" Maybe there's something else? Then now same thing happened... you got mad because I chatted her to ask about you if you were okay.. and you went mad because she found out that you had a gf (because she doesn't know about that in the first place) and the worst thing happened... you broke up with me because of that. What was wrong with chatting her? You're mad because she learned about us? So what if you have a gf? She is just a friend, right? Unless you don't wanna let her know that you had one. I remember before when you joked with me to chat her if I really wanna know her and make friends with her and I said no why would I do that! But this time I needed to chat her because I was worried about you (because I was sure it was safe to chat her because you told me she's your friend that's in Baguio too), but you got mad as hell! I was hurt... really hurt especially when you said we're done. Too shallow a reason for breaking up. But maybe too deep for you because she got mad at you because she found out about me. But you know what? If you're a real bf and that you cared about me, you'll find a way to explain it to her or there's no need even to explain why you have a gf, di ba? Unless something's going on that's why she forwarded my chat to you and let you explain who I am, why I am chatting her asking about you. And I dunno what interpretation she gave you out of it. I also dunno what you told her about me. Maybe you bad-mouthed me to her just to win her back... so she won't get angry with you. Just like how you said bad things about her so I'll stop asking about her and reassuring me that nothing's going on between you two because she's just a friend and nothing more. And I still really hope that there's nothing more than that because I still don't wanna believe that you cheated on me. But the ending was, you dumped a girlfriend for a "friend" like I'm worthless. Bottom line is, you got pissed off that she learned that you had a gf. And that's what made me mad too that you got angry with me that she found out about me being your gf. You don't know how worried I was and didn't sleep good for 2 nights, thinking about you, thinking if you're still alive... Waking up in the middle of the night to check if you already chatted.

There's still one thing that bothered me when I was at your condo before when I got your phone. You fought and wrestled with me until we fell from the couch to the floor just so you could get it back from me and even changed your pin when you finally got it back. And you call it privacy. Privacy, huh? That's crap! It only tells me one thing. You are hiding something from me. You're afraid that I might discover something from there. I understand the word privacy, however, if there's nothing to hide then you should have showed me so I will have peace of mind and the next time around, I won't bother check it because I'm confident you're not hiding little secrets from me. But me, I'm open with my phone with you and you even know the passcode because I'm not hiding anything from there (but I also changed it right there and then when you changed yours). And I showed you my Skype messages. Yeah, there are some that still send me messages but I don't really reply to them. If I do, it would just be a friendly chat. I showed you how I ignored the messages of the Turkish guy. The chats were all from him and no reply from me. I only replied when I was in Singapore telling him I'm traveling so he won't bother me anymore. Why would I entertain other guys when I already have you? (But now no more of course, so it doesn't matter).