Love and Lies (I loved him but he lied)

XIV. The "Give Me Closure" Email

Another week went by again and I still didn't have peace of mind. I still cannot accept what happened between us, especially the reason for our breakup was too shallow for me. I was still in denial. I still have a lot of questions in my mind. A lot of "whys" that need answers. So, I thought of sending him again an email (keeping my fingers crossed that he will be nice enough to enlighten me of the things that's bothering and hurting me).
So, I started to compose an email again. Words came pouring out with no control. I wasn't controlling my emotions too. I didn't care anymore. I said things that I know would hurt him and I didn't give a damn.
Sorry, I think I've created a novel-like email again. Here's the email I sent him:

Dear exbabe,
Second week. I survived. Still breathing. Still thinking. Still hurting a lil bit...but trying to move on.
I hope you understand if I still haven't moved on from what happened between us... because I still can't accept it that it will just end this way... because I know that our last days were good... almost perfect. We dated on my birthday and Valentine's Day. We had a wonderful time together on both occasions. It was awesome and we both had fun together. I know you enjoyed it too, even telling me that it was like your birthday and felt you were the one that was treated instead of me.
Please help me get over you. I know that truth hurts....but isn't it also the one that will set a person free? So, please set me free from this heartache. I don't care how painful it may be... I just want the truth so I can move on and forget about you, about us and all the good and bad memories that we had.
I want answers to things that are making my moving on difficult because I can't imagine that the person I loved, needed, trusted, believed and cared so much for would be able to do this to me. Please tell me as honestly as possible... don't sugarcoat it with lies, just hurt me with the truth, so I can take a deep breath and go on with my life. Don't worry there are no hurtful things or words that I can't bear anymore... I've had enough and another shot doesn't matter.
I remember you told me before that no cheating boyfriend will ever tell his girlfriend honestly that he's cheating her. Right, no thief will confess that he is a thief. Try me... It may hurt, yes... but who cares? You already showed me that you don't, so go ahead and hurt me with the truth. (I've edited some of the questions below and made them lighter for the reading public. The original ones were blunt and harsh).
1. What's the real score between you and that bitch "friend" from Baguio? I know you already told me many times that she's just a friend and you even told me that you already told her more than a 100 times that she can't be more than a friend for you but she's still hoping that you will like her more than a friend (but my gut feeling says there's more than that... why the outrage when I chatted her?)
2. Have you also been doing what we were doing when I'm not with you? Sorry for being blunt but we're no longer kids. (I want to know it from you, not from her...but I can unblock her in FB and ask her if you want me to)
3. Is it true that I'm the only girl that you brought to your condo? That you did not bring that bitch (or any other girl) yet to your place? (I wondered why my clothes including the ones for laundry that I already put with your dirty clothes were in a paper bag when I went back there... Is it because you kept it someplace when somebody went there to sleep with you?)
4. Was I the only girlfriend you had when we were still on? Were there no other girls that you sent to Baguio and booked a hotel for or brought to your place?
5. What really happened on the 2 days that you did not communicate with me after I came back here (after we had fun on my birthday and Valentine's Day)? Was there really no electricity and you were not feeling well? (Or somebody was with you for that 2 days reason why you can't respond to my chats and emails? I wonder who it was.)
I know these questions will infuriate you like you always do before when I chat and ask you something and you feel that I'm doubting you... (but you were giving me reasons to doubt you, babe) that's why I'm asking probing questions to clarify things and to erase my suspicions. Can you still recall when I told you before, "I hope you're not doing hanky-panky when I'm not around" because I had a feeling that you're doing "monkey business" when I'm not with you. I guess that's the reason why you wanna stay alone so you can do whatever you want and be able to do your "extra-curricular activities". When you got mad at me when I chatted your "friend", it was your defense mechanism. You wanted to wash your hands clean so you won't feel guilty of what you did or were doing behind my back and put the blame on me because there was no way out. You were exposed and you know it was game over.
Now, I want to know the truth. Did you cheat and betray me, Pierre? I don't want to believe that you did. I am in denial because I was so in loved with you and you were so sweet to me, reason why I can't imagine you doing this to me. This is the one thing that's making me crazy. Thinking deeply for answers why you did what you did. I believed so much in you. I trusted you too much despite of your bad past. I trusted you with all my life. I've told you about my past, my broken relationships, my family and everything about me because I thought you were the one. I thought you were that person that believes in faithfulness and honesty. I thought you were a lonely changed person that follows the "one-woman" rule. I thought you were my Mr. Right and would respect me and our relationship. Was I wrong about all these things that I thought you were? You know what, I still have this little faith in me that everything that happened between us was real...that it wasn't a game. You know how serious I was with you, right? I'm sure you've noticed my effort and everything that I did for you and our relationship.
I guess I was blinded by your sweetness... I saw you as a sheep from the outside. I didn't know it was just a disguise because you were a wolf from the inside. I was a fool in giving you my love, care and trust. Well, not your problem but mine because you did not ask me to love you, care for you or trust you or believe in you. I voluntarily gave my all. I really fell for you because I wouldn't be like this if I didn't. I don't know if I already told you that when I fall, I fall hard. That's my problem. My heart is so soft that it can love easily and when it gets hurt, it cuts deep and doesn't heal fast. However, it wasn't like this with my ex. I got over him quickly. Maybe because I didn't love him the way I loved you. So, I wish you can be honest with me and help me mend this broken heart the soonest. I hate having nightmares and sleepless nights.
A piece of advice: The next time you use your bait, don't use it to smart ones that can see through your bullshit and lies. Choose the dumb ones because they can't tell whether you're cheating on them or not and even though they learned that you are doing it, they won't give a damn being betrayed, lied to and cheated on. I know you chose the second one.
I've learned another lesson in love and in life... to not trust a person right away even if he appears to be nice as it may just his way to get what he wants. Also, to not be misled by a person's sweetness as it may just his way to lure you into his deceitful world.
However, despite of this bad experience, I still won't stop looking or waiting for that one man that will truly love me and not deceive me. Maybe he's just out there but we haven't found each other yet. Well, I am currently communicating with another French guy. Wow, what a coincidence, huh? Why French again? Unfortunately, he looks a bit like you. The build, the eyes, the nose, the lips, I guess same height also. Handsome too. I hope he's a good one. I'll give him a chance and get to know him and not judge him that he's another bad French guy just because ours didn't work out good. Who knows he is the one. Can I get you as our interpreter when he comes to the Philippines to visit me? He speaks very very little English. As far as I can remember, the English words that he ever wrote were: bye bye and goodnight. He writes me in French and I had to use the "translate" button in the email (but I think the interpretation is not accurate aside from it not being grammatically correct). Don't worry, I won't tell him you're my ex... I'll just tell him that you are just a "friend" (a friend that likes me too much but already told him like more than a 100x that he can't be more than a friend but is hoping that one day I'll like him too and be more than friends). Sige na baby ko pleasssseeeee..... (I'm sure you missed this? The childish me sweet-talking you)
Just between you and me. Please don't tell anybody, okay? I'm putting myself to shame for being pathetic. Despite of everything that happened, even though I was deeply hurt, even though I have resentment for you, I won't deny it... I miss you, pisti ka... I'll get over you soon, promise. I hope my long vacation will help me get over you and eventually forget you. I have a scheduled flight tomorrow. I wish when I get back in a week or two, I've totally forgotten about you. I don't wanna hate you forever... I just wanna move on because thinking about you brings back all the pain and memories. Oh, if you are going back to France this month (like you told me before you might), I wish you a safe flight. Like you said in your email, "no hate". Au revoir ma baguette.

(He replied after 30 minutes, saying he doesn't have time at the moment to read all of it and will do it next week. We exchanged a few emails about his stay, my clothes at his condo and other stuff but nothing about the breakup. He sounded friendly. Then reassured me that he will read my email and will give a reply soon and said "take care". I was surprised that he said those. So, I'm sure he didn't read the whole email yet. I told him: "Take your time. No hard feelings. Take care too.")

The following day, I was in a plane going to the province and we were chatting. I asked him how am I going to get my clothes.

Me: Hey pisti exbaby! How are you?

Pierre: I'm fine (with a smiley) You?

Me: I'm ok. In a plane going for a vacation

(Then I sent a selfie, lol! What am I doing? He sent me a "Like" emoticon. Before he'd send me a "heart-eyes" or a "heart-kiss" emoticon. What do I expect? Same emoticons? Maybe I'm sleeping and needs to wake up! Lol)

Pierre: I'm glad for you. You are having fun

Me: Yeah, i need to... by the way, how about my clothes? Did you already throw them away? Lol

Pierre: No. I'm thinking of leaving them at the building guards. Then you can come and get them

Me: That won't work. You know that I'm not going back there anymore. Maybe I can ask one of my coworkers to get them when he goes to Baguio

Pierre: Okay then, I'll keep your stuff at my condo for now

Me: Thanks... I'll just let you know when one of my coworkers go there

Pierre: Sure, keep me posted

Me: Okay, gotta go... Plane's leaving in a few minutes

Pierre: Take care

Me: You too, take care always... no more baby pisti to care of her baby boy

Pierre: Don't worry about me I know how to drive myself

Me: That's good... Okay, ingat ka

Pierre: You too. Be pisti always! Lol

Me: I am always! Lol

(While the plane taxied the runway, I was thinking... will he still be friendly with me after he reads all the content of my email for him? I don't think he will... especially that I said mean things to him like he can't be a "man", he's a liar, a wolf disguised as a lamb, etc. Well, I'll just wait until he replies to the email.)