So, I have an anxiety disorder. Nothing about it is fun. But, one thing that bothers me a lot is the glorification that society puts on my disorder. Similar to other issues that get romanticized to create a "good story". Like eating disorders, self-harm, even suicide. I find it all immensely disturbing. But it's the world we live in. I, myself, don't find anything about my problems worthy of a story. The past three years have been hellish for me trying to navigate high school, which already sucks on its own, for pretty much anyone. Now add anything that sets you apart from the others around you, and it is not at all difficult to feel like an outsider. But I'm lucky enough to feel like my school is generally pretty open about all things, even if they do overcompensate sometimes. From accepting people's sexual orientation to anyone with any kind of disability, I don't think I have ever actually seen someone get tormented for who they are, and I appreciate that a lot. That is definitely not to say it doesn't happen, because I full well know it does. But while we all know that we live in a fucked up society, I'd like you to take a moment to appreciate the things that are getting better. Sure the man in the White House worries me, but there was just a new law passed in Oregon limiting gun distribution to anyone convicted of stalking, domestic violence, or facing any restraining order, thanks in part to all the people, children included, who are standing up to create a better world. One of my best friends just came out to his very Catholic parents after months of anticipation and terror. He texted me that he did it, but didn't say how it went, then he took forever to respond. I was pacing in my bedroom, terrified for anything that could have happened. I know that his parents are good and kind people and they have always been welcoming to me, but you never know what goes on behind the smiles. But second that he called and told me that it wasn't terrible, I sank on my bed in relief. It had been eating away at him, for multiple reasons, and in turn was eating at me because I care about him so much. And even though he told me that it was a little awkward, I have so much appreciation for his parents for making him feel better than he has in months, and will feel for the rest of his life. To some extent, my life started to feel a little catastrophic, because my initial worry for him was cranked up 35 notches thanks to my lovely friend, Senor Anxiety.
I have so much worry pent up inside of me. And even when an issue goes away I don't feel better. You know how you see in movies that someone's worried about something, and then it goes away, and they say "I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders"? Yeah, that feeling doesn't exist for me. Prime example, I waited four months to hear back from me dream college. Don't be fooled though, this story doesn't have a happy ending. My anticipation and anxiety had 120 days to fester. Some nights I couldn't sleep. Sometimes all I had to do was look at the sweatshirt I have for that college to have an anxiety attack. So, by the time my rejection letter came, I wasn't surprised, I barely felt anything, but I lied down on my bed and the tears just came out. And it hurt even more, because the same friend that I spoke about early, got his acceptance letter, and is going to study at the college intending the same major and minor that I had planned to study. We both have the same career aspirations, so we are in the same classes, but the only difference is that he's better than me at everything. I may love the boy dearly, but it feels like I'm constantly competing with him, and my anxiety doesn't agree with that. So, I have an inferiority complex with him, that's all fine and dandy, this could make anyone feel badly. But as things like this keep piling and piling and piling on, like my parents being in the middle of getting divorced too, I can feel that metaphoric weight crushing me. So I also want you to recognize that these problems are real, so real that sometimes they become too much. You never know what a person is truly going though. You don't just meet someone, walk up and say, "Hello, my name is Melina, and I have destructive anxiety. Nice to meet you!". That's not how it works. You can't force people to open up to you, either. So it's one giant sick mess of a situation, but everybody goes through something. So I am here now, asking you to stay open minded, appreciate you blessings, and never look back, darling, it distracts from the now.
Stay Steady,
Your Gracious Author
