I'd like to say that I stay in control. That I manage to maintain a calm, cool, and collected interior as much as I give off the solid exterior. But most of the things I do are instigated by worry. I'm constantly worried. It's a side effect of my anxiety. Or maybe my anxiety's a side effect of my worry. Who knows at this point? But then again, I guess that's pushed by care. I don't necessarily fall quickly, but when I do fall, I fall hard. Your initial thought is probably that I'm talking about falling in love, and I suppose that's part of it. But the bigger picture is that I care hard. For everyone around me that could possibly mean something to me, so, I worry. For their happiness, for their pride, for their wellbeing.
Everything just gets worse. There is no "better", there is no relief. Something can always go wrong. I wish I had advice or encouragement for this. But I'm struggling with it more than ever. I fronted like it's only wrapped in my feelings for others. But most of the time, it's completely about me. Primarily, with how much I hate myself. And I'm worried sick about it. And I know I'm not there only one, which just makes it so much worse. Everyone deserves better than that. I used to blame it solely on society, and the pressure that it places on everything. But that's not fair, it's just an excuse. I'm terrified of just about everything at this point, and I want to feel better. God, I want to feel better. But all it takes is thinking the wrong thought, or just looking in the mirror to remember that, "I'll never be good enough", "They'll never see anything worth a damn in me", "I'll never be happy with who I am", "All it takes is a little work, but I'm too weak", "I'm too scared", "I'm nothing" I'd like to say that what other's think means jackshit to me. I'd like to mean it and believe it. But the fact is that that is just not true. It's not that I need their validation or approval. But for the rest of my life I'll be surrounded by people, and lacking a connection with them will be lonely, unwholesome, and just painful. So, right now I'm searching. And I'm not finding what I need.
Stay Calm,
Your Gracious Author
