FAKE

PART IV: EVELYN

III: friend

Not doing anything this thanksgiving break has been the worst. I spend my days just surfing the internet now just mindlessly looking at all the updates people post. I don't text no one and nobody really texts me. I'm constantly seeing Andrew's name everywhere so I just decided to block him for good. I'm following what Theresa said and it's been going good. I've mostly forgot about all of it and all the drama. I really don't have time to worry about it. There's this one guy I've been talking to though. His name is Ryan and he lives in New York. He works in a publishing company and he saw some stories I've been posting online. I do write a lot and I express my emotions very poetically. It's an art. Ryan says he likes my writing a lot and that I should get it published sometime. Maybe, just not yet. My dream always has been to go to New York, or anywhere far away from this shitty town and make it big in the writing world. I'd love to have a bestselling book, it would mean the world to me. Writing is like an escape for me that I can use to express myself when people aren't there for me. I have journals and journals of all my writing in it and all of my feelings in it. Not many people know that about me but Ryan. I've only known him for a couple of days now and he's so kind. He makes me actually feel hope for this world, for the kindness of this world. I've only felt hate, seen pettiness, and have tasted bitterness in the past months but he makes me feel welcomed, see kindness, and taste happiness. I have told him about everything that has been going on and I write poems now. He got me into writing poems.

There's this one poem I wrote that I'd like to share:

I live in a beautiful grass filled world

Don't you think you could too?

Happiness is the most important feeling

Instead of always gazing at the ceiling

Feeling negative is not good for you

You will always feel blue

I will always guide you to light

Your life will be bright

From joy, you'll see the difference

What will melt into disappearance is your bitterness

Happiness leads to freedom

That is why I want you to stop the ignorance

Freedom leads to deliverance

I feel so connected to that poem right now because I am on the path to happiness and have shed the sadness away. I'm ready to feel freedom and I'm ready to move on.

I know I've said this so many times but it's easier said than done. It's so easy to get caught up in fake people's bullshit, and then go back and forgive them. It's so, so easy to do that. Over and over again. Ryan told me that I should move on, I told him everything that Ashley, Jason, and Andrew have done to me. All the rage that I have, I've expressed it to him. We've had several calls but I wouldn't call him a close friend yet. I really just want to get to know him better.

Right now, I'm texting him about Evelyn and how I'm spending tomorrow with her and I won't be on my phone for a long time. I hope he understands and I told him that I'd talk to him some other time. Maybe I'm just so desperate to find a new friend. I have no one, except Evelyn but that still doesn't feel right. I still feel so fucking lonely in this world and that's the worst feeling ever.

The rest of the day, I just spend watching movies and thinking, rethinking about every shitty thing I've gone through and how I'm going to push past it for good. I scroll over Andrew's name but don't block him.

Not yet.