As long as you can (Cherik)

11. Chapter

He really made me Lasagna that evening but it took a while. We first of all weren't the best cooks in the world and second of all was my energy not the best after all the stress we went through. He did most of the work and at first we had to search for a recipe. We went into my big library. It wasn't something I used very often. The books in there were old and they belonged to my father so I felt bad using them. But it had a section of cookbooks. After a few minutes of searching we finally found a good sounding recipe.
The food was good and everything but I still couldn't feel comfortable. I still didn't feel like myself. All the stuff that happened to me in the last few months came to me in that night. I was awake not seeming to fall asleep. He slept like a rock next to me. He seemed to dream because he had a slight smile on his face.  The pain got worst every minute and at three AM I couldn't bare it anymore. I got up took some painkillers and went up the attic. It was not just my physical pain. It was mentally. And the pain in my body reminded me of all the stuff I went through. The most painful thing wasn't even the diagnosis. It was her death. She died in my arms in an accident that was my fault. I drove her to school that day. It was like always. But than there was that big truck that drove into my car. On her side. She looked at me with pain in her eyes. I couldn't safe her no matter what I did. I wasn't badly injured. A broken leg and a few scratches. But she was. And she died right there. In my arms while i cried to the gods.
The doctor said it wasn't my fault. My friends said it wasn't my fault. My therapist said it wasn't my fault. And even the truckdriver said it wasn't my fault. Maybe it wasn't but I felt quilty. I felt quilty because I didn't have the power to do anything against it. I wasn't able to save here and give her the life she deserved.

I had nightmares since then. Every night I saw her eyes. And when I looked out of the small window up in the attic I felt her presence. She wasn't my real sister but my parents adopted her when I was seven. She was six. We grew up together and spent every possible second together. She was funny bit broken inside like I was.
Before she was a part of my life my parents did things to me that should not have been happened to a five year old inocent boy. She brightened my life. So when she went away the light of my life faded and it got dark. And I am not able to see anything in the dark.
I sat there in the hammock looking out of the window not being able to see much. After a little bit I saw I slight light reflection in the window. I turned around and saw Erik half-naked with a flashlight in his hand.
"Charles, why didn't you wake me up. You don't have to be alone up here" He said coming towards me
"I know but I am a grown man and I can do things on my own" i turned away feeling bad for what I just said to the man I liked so much. "I needed to think and I didn't want to wake you up. You just looked so cute and inocent. I wanted to let you dream. At least you had the chance to" I smiled at him and he came to me hugging me tightly. "Do you want to talk? I am here for you and I can listen, maybe after that you're able to sleep a little bit more".
"I wasn't able to sleep like most of the times. I went through so much the past few weeks and I needed to reflect that. And than I had to think about my sister and that just pulls me down but that's a different story"
"What happened to her? Is it bad?" He asked taking my hand into his stroking over my palm. "Yeah it's quite bad" I told him what happened three years ago crying while I did. I couldn't quite see his face while I did because it was very dark but I felt how his heart dropped. "Charles? Can I be your new light? I want you to feel as good as possible for the rest... The rest of your life" he swallowed and I felt how a tear trooped onto my hand. While he said that I realized that he already was the light. How he entered my life and the room he felt like some new hope. It was a tiny flame that still had to grow but it was there. I haven't felt hope in years. "If you want to... I don't want to hurt you, Erik. I want you to be happy" I said taking his face into my hands looking the other man into his beautiful greyish eyes. "Charles, you make me happier than no one else could ever do. I know it will be hard but I don't care. I don't understand why you are still not accepting that I want to spend every minute with you. Sadness is part of life. Grief, fear and guild are as well. But you know what should be bigger? Love, hope, happiness, peace, light and fun. Let's try to make those parts a little bit bigger. Let me help you. I know you are broken, and I know you will break even more but I will pick up every piece you lose and let me... please let me put it onto our story" I felt how my vision blurred and tears ran down my face. I wasn't able to say anything. Those words blew me away.
"Thank you... We can try that... I hope I won't disappoint you" I said and he took me into his protective arms. "I love you Charles, I hope you know that. Let me love you. Please" he begged " let me love you Charles".
"I don't know if its fitting but my sister said something to me when we were younger. It was like: Just because someone stumbles... and loses their path, doesn't mean they're lost forever. It's beautiful and I hope we are not lost forever".
"We aren't, Charles. We can find a new path. I love you, Charles, remember that, forever, even if forever isn't long" he said while kissing me. "I love you too Erik. Even if I am a big mess. You are my light" I said and kissed the other man back.