Gyuhao One Shots

6. Dear Mingyu

Dear Mingyu,

I know after one year of no me, suddenly you get a letter from me.

I saw you sitting with another brunette. I always knew you had a thing for brunettes. I also knew you had a thing for guitars. That's how we got to know each other. Over guitars. That's how our love story started.
And ended. Over a guitar.

Guitar always held a special place in my heart. Meant a lot to me. Whenever I was stressed, sad, happy or felt any other universal emotion, I always had guitar with me. To pull me through the dark times. To help the happy time last longer. To ease the burden. To get over a heartache. It was always there.

Dad came back from his decade long trip from Australia. He took over his duty as a Dad. He was doing pretty well at that since how out of habit he was. Or maybe he wasn't. I don't know. He helped me get over my dark time. Then he lost his job, suddenly. I didn't think much at that time, didn't mean a lot to me anyways. Emotions were something that died after you left. Or maybe even before you came in my life.

Dad didn't approve of such "useless" talent. Told him how it was my hobby and drug. How I needed that to survive. How it was a companion of some sorts. But he didn't, again, approve of such an "useless" companion.

He forced me into Business Academy. Made me learn something I never understood. Made me study something I could never relate to. Made me commit to something I never felt home with.

So I did what only an insane person would do. Or brave as you would have said. I rebelled. I rebelled because that wasn't what I wanted. I rebelled so I could finally do something I've been meaning to do. I rebelled because I didn't know what else to do.

Some day Dad had enough of my rebellious self. He took away that kept me up and fighting. He took away something I heavily relied on. You could say, he took away half of me. Or whatever was remaining of me.

He smashed the guitar. I saw it get broken into tiny pieces. But felt like Dad had just smashed my heart in to pieces. Felt my soul leave my body. Felt my eyes sting with the tears, but big boys didn't cry, Dad  always said. But real man cry, you had said. So I let the tears flow. I could almost feel myself dieing underneath the facade of nonchalance. I knew I had lost another part of me. I could feel the pain, deep and burning. Ugly and terrifying. Red and hot. Unwanted yet deserving.

I knew I deserved pain. I had not felt it in an year now. Feeling it was something had been craving, and feeling is what I got. You made me feel every  human emotion in just an year's time. Including pain, Mingyu.

You had walked out on me saying how I wasn't the one for you. Saying how my love for the guitar was obsessive. Saying how I could never be something you wanted. Saying you had enough of me. Saying how you knew from the start I could never match up to your life. Saying how our lives are different. Saying how our priorities were different. Saying how you were not one of mine. Just like how I wasn't yours.

I have different opinions, as it seems. You were always the one for me. From the time you had smiled at me in the music instrument shop, introducing me to a brand new guitar. I always thought you loved guitars. I felt like someone could finally understand my love for them. I wasn't obsessed with guitars, I was obsessed with you. I would use the word love and not obsessed, because they're different on so many levels. I was holding onto that guitar because I felt I really never deserved you and was, shamefully, preparing for you to drop the bomb of break up. I was holding on to it because that was the only thing constant in my life, had been with me through thick and thin. I knew I could never really tie you down or even get you to settle with me. I was stressed over it, worried about our relationship. I didn't want to burden you with my problem when you had enough on your own. So I resorted to playing the guitar. I would pour my feeling, my pain and my love for you in those melodies. In those songs. It was strange how I could relate to the lyrics. But comforting nonetheless knowing someone out there has also felt it. You're my priority. Was, is, and always will be. You never gave me a chance to prove my love for you so I assumed you knew. I never once doubted your love for me. I wanted to chase after you, I wanted to hold you and tell how much you meant to me. I wanted ask you to stay and give me one more chance.

I never did. Because in that moment it was clear how all those reasons you stated about leaving were nothing but excuses. Excuses to dump me, leave me there to rot and die. Excuses so finally you could be a free bird. Free to chase and be chased. So I let you go. I let you walk away from me. From my love for you. Because trust me Mingyu, I loved you. I still do.

Remember how I said love and obsessions are different on so many levels? This is one of them. I loved you, so I let you go. I knew I couldn't make you happy. I loved you enough to choose your happiness over mine. I wasn't obsessed, no, I was in love.
Obsession never let's you choose anything but you, yourself and your happiness.

You walked away from me and my memories. But I was stuck with your memories. I didn't regret though. At least it gave me a reason to rise and shine. Or in me case rise and survive.

Also because I had my old friend. You guessed. Guitar. The guitar. The reason for our break up, the one that kept me sane, the one who never pushed me and the one that kept me alive and going for so long.

But from above narrated incident, it must he clear. I don't have it. I lost whatever I had. I lost you. I lost the will to be happy. I lost a family that I never knew existed. And now I lost a will and a reason to live.

I know you'd never care about my whereabouts. I know you won't. But I wanted you to know, I wanted a closure. I don't want to haunt the ground for the closure that I never got. I don't even know if you'll read this. But whatever. At least I can leave in peace.
I love you. I hope that brunette is the one for you. If not then don't go around handling hearts like a pillow. Because some are just on the verge of shattering. A slight touch and it might.

From yours never,
Minghao x

~Jade