Fall Off The Grid (adopted by twenty one pilots)

//nineteen - wrap myself in flames//

Lane's POV

It had been two weeks since the tour started up again. For the most part, I was truly getting better, becoming happier. Most nights, I was still sleeping in Tyler's bunk because he thought it was safer until the dreams calmed down. They had for the most part, but I really didn't mind sharing the bunk. It was nice on nights where all you can feel is alone.

Today just felt sad. Maybe it was the dark sky with no rain following or just the fact that there was no show tonight and nothing to look forward to, but today, Alex kept popping in my mind and so did my dad and my mom. I lost all of them in such a short span of time, and each of them were a constant. Maybe some of them weren't the best constants, but I didn't really choose them. I was fiddling with the letter in my hands, examining the careful yet still messy script from my mom's handwriting and the crinkles in the envelope paper from the crash. I had no clue what this letter said. I always assumed she wrote it for when I graduated and just kept it in her car so I wouldn't find it, but honestly, that was a guess. After thinking for a long time about the letter, I felt like that wasn't what was written here. But that thought only terrified me more.

Someone lightly knocked on the wooden door frame of the back lounge. When my head snapped up, it was Pete. His smile was big and goofy like always, but there was something slightly off in his eyes. I ignored it and smiled back. "Hey kid, wanna come hang out with Patrick and I for a little while?" I nodded and stood to get ready. Throwing on jeans and a twenty one pilots t-shirt before a white cardigan, I slipped my feet into my worn converse. 'The last time you wore these, you tried to leave Alex. Too bad you still couldn't save him.' The thought attacked me out of no where, but I couldn't react. Pete was right there carefully watching me.

I walked from the bunks and found the writer sitting on the couch, staring forward into space. "You ready Pete?" I asked gently, trying to figure out what was running through his mind. He nodded and smiled. When we left the bus, Patrick walked over and the three of us were on our way. Patrick looked like he had been crying earlier. What was wrong with today?

Pete's POV

Last night, everything fell apart in my head. I was spending so much time worrying about Lane and trying to be there for her that I guess I forgot that I'm still working on myself. It did make me happy that she was getting better. She was starting to remind me of myself which is a scary thought. I just felt guilty and alone even on a bus and tour full of my best friends with the girl I was trying to be there for. I can somewhat recall drinking way too much after everyone had gone to bed. I don't remember trying to relapse, but Patrick did.

I woke up on the couch with Pat on the opposite one. "Hey Pete," he said quietly. "What happened?" I asked terrified. I hadn't forgotten this much since 2005. "You drank a lot and I found you in the bathroom flicking a lighter towards your skin, Pete." My face fell and I collapsed onto the ground. How didn't I remember wanting to relapse? How did I become so irresponsible that I just let someone find me drunk and hating myself. Patrick's face was sad and confused and I'm sure my expression matched that. "Patrick, I'm so sorry. I don't remember it at all." The singer nodded and wiped his eyes quickly before suggesting we take Lane out for the day and just talk about what he saw later. I wasn't ready to argue, so I agreed and made my way to the twenty one pilots bus.

Eventually, the three of us walked from the lot behind tomorrow's venue and made our way to a local cafe. I kept my hoodie sleeves over my arm. I hadn't looked to see if there was damage. Patrick looked like he had cried again before we left the bus. Lane looked lost in her own world. "Why are you guys so quiet today? What happened last night?" she asked, not looking up from her spot on the table. "Just a long night," Patrick answered, his eyes flicking up to me then back down to Lane. She narrowed her eyes a bit and tried to look at me for the truth. I just looked away.

We all ate and started walking around. We found a small park and sat down on the grass. Lane was playing with the bracelets on her wrist and looked more upset then she had in days. "What's up, Lane?" I asked carefully. She looked over to me and grinned a little. The way she played with her bracelets, I thought she had relapsed. "I can't stop thinking about them today." It came out as a whisper before she looked up to the sky and tried to not cry. Patrick and I looked at each other before we both went to either side of her and hugged her. "You know it gets so much better Lane. You just can't give up."

Patrick scoffed a little at what I said, making both me and Lane look up. He was shaking his head before he turned to me. "You're not one to be talking right now, Pete." His voice was sharp and angry. I'm not saying he didn't have a right to be, but Lane was right here. "Not now, Patrick, you idiot." He glared at me and pursed his lips. 

"What's going on guys?" Lane asked, utterly confused. She looked at me, but I couldn't look her in the eyes. Soon enough Patrick spoke up. "Pete tried giving up last night." Lane's eyes met mine and soon enough tears covered both of our faces. "Don't say it like that Patrick. I was drunk, I was scared, and I had no clue what I was feeling. I'm sorry you had to find me, but don't pull this right now." I saw the anger fall across his face. 

"Don't pull what Pete? You could have seriously hurt yourself. Lucky for you it's just a couple burns, but God knows what could have happened? God knows what I could have found? Or any of us!" The air became silent after that and no one wanted to do anything but wait it out. "Pete," Lane whispered, trying to fight more tears as she stared at the ground. I stood up and I ran. I couldn't deal with it all. The disappointment, the pressure, the anger. I just couldn't deal with it.

Lane's POV

I sat there on the small patch of grass speechless. The person who was trying to keep me going was now just like me. Did I make him do that? Was the stress of me too much for him to handle on such a big tour? I couldn't stop thinking, but I felt both men looking at me for a reaction. "Pete," I said barely above a whisper. That's all I could say. In a second he was gone, running fast down the block. Patrick stood to try to go after him but I grabbed his hand and pulled him back down. "He needs to be alone. He'll be okay." Patrick looked at me as if asking how I knew. "I'm just like him," I said smiling a little, but in a sad and hurt kind of way. We both didn't want each other to feel like we did, but we knew each other like the back of our hands. The signer nodded and fiddled with the grass. I saw the anger slowly dying down and turn to pure despair. 

"You can't blame yourself, Pat." He looked over to me then back at the ground. "How can I not Lane? I didn't have to get mad and yell. But, it's serious. I don't want to find him-" he started, only to get cut off by his own tears. For a second, all of the thoughts in my own head subsided. Everything was about fixing Patrick and Pete right now. "You will never have to find him like that okay? He's strong and he knows you care about him, that we all care about him. This tour took a lot out of all of us. He just needs a reset. I promise, everything is going be okay." I saw a tear fall off his cheek and onto his lap before he looked over to me and smiled, pulling me into his side. "I'm going to go find him. I'll bring him back to the buses when I do and you're going to talk about this." He nodded and kissed my head, whispering "Thank you, Lane" before starting his walk back to the buses to think and breathe. Meanwhile, I started the opposite way, trying to find the only person who knew me better then myself.

a/n: next chapter is here! so, i had my first really bad anxiety attack in a long time on monday and it lasted three hours and ended up with me in a practice room at my school at 9 o'clock at night crying and begging my friend to not tell my instructor about something that i'm developing. it was the worst thing of my life and i can't stop thinking about that night. this song was sent to me by my friend that night and i think it fits perfectly. a lot has happened and tomorrow is the one year anniversary of a classmate's death after he committed suicide. last year, the night he did it and everyone found out was the closest i'd ever come to attempting before i heard about him and it really hit me hard. i barely knew him but still think about him almost everyday. it really hurts, so please, if you're struggling just realize how much you affect even one person. i won't be over this for a long time and he wasn't in my life. imagine his friends and family. you are loved and please try to remember that. i love you all so stay safe and stay alive |-/