Breaking The Ice

Hell Would Be Better

TJ's POV

I woke up before I even opened my eyes, feeling so warm and cozy that I never wanted to move. I was still completely cocooned by Harry's arms, tucked safely into his torso as the scent of him wafted through my senses. I found myself cuddling up to his warmth even further, nuzzling my face into his chest as he stirred and squeezed me closer to him.

I drifted in and out of sleep for the next little while, completely content to stay like that as long as he would let me, before I slowly began to wake up and the events of the day before came flooding back to me. That familiar knot in the pit of my stomach returned, and I felt all of the emotions return that I had hoped would be gone by the time I woke up. I sighed as the reality of it all came flashing through my mind, wishing I had just dreamt it and none of it ever happened. I knew I wasn't over it, that it would take me a while to accept it for what it was, but it seemed a lot further away when I felt so warm and safe curled up next to Harry.

He hadn't left my side. He was still there when I woke up, holding me just as tightly as he had while I cried myself to sleep, telling me everything would be okay and just letting me fall apart. It was something I'd never experienced, allowing myself to just let everything go without trying to hold it in or hide it, and through the entire thing he just stayed there with me, being the rock that he somehow knew I needed him to be. I'd expected to be embarrassed, beating myself up for showing such weakness and worried that I would come off as overdramatic, but I didn't. There was no part of me that regretted letting Harry see me like that, and it surprised me.

I hadn't cried like that in years, and I felt lighter somehow. I was still disappointed and hurt in what Zayn had done and what would no doubt be the fallout from it, but I felt like some kind of weight had been lifted from me that I couldn't quite identify. I hadn't even realized just how much shit I'd been holding in until I released it, like I was some kind of boiling kettle on the stove screaming for some kind of release before I blew up, and I guess Zayn's betrayal was the final straw.

I still felt the sting of it when I thought of him, knowing that once again I wasn't worth it to someone, that I hadn't been enough, that they'd chosen something else over me. Deep down I knew that it wasn't something I'd done, that it was his problem not mine, but I couldn't deny that it seemed to be a pattern in my life that kept repeating itself.

I was always almost enough. I was almost a real hockey player, almost good enough for Zayn, almost one of the guys. I was so many things, yet nothing at all. I was constantly reaching for things that were out of reach, fighting my way toward things I could never have, trying to please people I could never please. I'd been doing it for so long that I didn't even notice anymore, it had just become some kind of pattern I subconsciously kept fueling, and I had no idea how to stop it.

It wasn't that I thought I wasn't good enough, or like I had some kind of ridiculously low self esteem issue that I couldn't seem to solve. I knew who I was, what I stood for, and I liked who I was. I just couldn't seem to understand why nobody else seemed to.

It felt like there was always something about me that was supposed to be different. I was either too strong or too weak, too smart or not smart enough, I worked too hard or needed to do more. I was trying to find some kind of balance that didn't exist, and for the first time since I could remember I woke up feeling like I didn't have to. In those few moments as I laid there with Harry, I felt completely content to be me.

I looked up at him, taking in the way his long eyelashes rested on the top of his cheeks, his mouth slightly parted as he slept, his curls falling over his face. I'd never really looked at him as he slept before, usually he was either gone before I woke up or I was trying to sneak out of his room before one of the boys woke up, but as I laid there admiring him I realized just how beautiful he was.