Breaking The Ice

Red Wings

Harry's POV

I wasn't sure how long I'd been awake, laying on my side in my bed as I watched Teej sleep soundly next to me, a soft smile on my face as I stared at her in awe. She was sleeping peacefully, her eyelashes resting on her cheeks as she laid there, looking more perfect that I'd ever seen her somehow. She was so fucking beautiful to me, and I just couldn't seem to stop looking at her.

The night before had been difficult, to put it lightly. It was surreal somehow, almost like I couldn't quite grasp whether or not it had really happened, like I'd just dreamed that I'd finally told her everything because I couldn't actually believe I'd really been able to do it.

I'd spent hours sitting there with her, just staring out into the distance and trying to get the strength to recount those memories out loud. It was like my mind had to fight my body, doing everything it could to just force my mouth to open and speak the words that I hadn't been able to for so long, and I just sat there thinking it over and over, trying to get up the courage to face something I'd been avoiding since the day it happened.

It was a strange feeling hearing myself recount the whole thing, feeling like for the first time I was really acknowledging everything that happened after I'd spent so much time trying to forget it. It was as though even though it was constantly on my mind, never really giving me a minute of peace, I spent so much time trying to ignore it and push past it that I never let myself truly think about it or process it all.

I think I'd always thought that speaking it out loud might actually make it hurt more somehow, as if I was speaking it into existence or something, but as soon as I realized that nothing could ever hurt as much as it actually happening I somehow found the will to do it. I was shaking and terrified, but I promised myself I wouldn't leave that terrace without telling Teej the whole truth, and considering I could see she was practically freezing to death out there with every minute that passed, I knew I couldn't take all night.

I was convinced I wouldn't be able to, that it was too hard, that it hurt too much, before I'd closed my eyes and done something I'd never done before. I took a deep breath and silently asked my sister for help, praying I could just find the strength to get it out, to get the things off my chest I needed to, and not even ten seconds later I was overcome with this sense of calm. It was the strangest thing I'd ever experienced, after being so terrified for so long, my anxiety somehow lifting and leaving me with a clarity that just seemed to help the words flow out of my mouth.

I simply asked her to give me the strength, and then suddenly I had it.

I'd never really been one to ponder higher powers or religious experiences, not putting much thought into what happens to us when we die, and after she was gone it felt like wondering about those things might force me to accept that she wasn't coming back. It felt like finding new ways to be connected to her, thinking about her as some kind of spirit watching over me rather than the person I knew and loved, was officially admitting to myself that she I'd really lost her. I don't know if maybe me acknowledging my sister for the first time since her death, thinking of her and speaking to her within myself, sparked something in me that gave me the strength to say it, or if it was somehow her spirit that granted my request, but whatever it was allowed me to do the thing I so desperately wanted to and I would forever be thankful for that. I felt her with me in those moments, almost like she wrapped her arms around me and comforted me, like she was holding my hand through it.

And suddenly, it just happened.

I fought my emotions the whole way through, trying to just get the story out as fast as I could, the words pouring out of me as I realized just how badly I'd needed to say them. Every minute of it was painful, reliving all the things I'd tried so hard to forget as the memories flashed through my mind, but there was something so freeing about having TJ know. It was like telling her was making it not so bad, like maybe once she understood it wouldn't be this big weight on me anymore.