Breaking The Ice

Regret

TJ's POV

The words were quiet.

Whispered into the air as though he didn't have the strength to possibly speak them any louder, like maybe if I didn't hear him they might not be true. My breath hitched in my throat as I looked at him, watching the moisture pool in his eyes as he continued to stare straight ahead, tears that he didn't have the energy to stop rolling down his cheeks.

"My sister killed herself."

The words were like pain in physical form, the way they sounded coming off his lips like I could hear every ounce of the devastation he felt, the loss he'd suffered all summed up in a few short words that told a story that felt like he'd spoken a thousand of them.

It felt like every cell in my body went numb as I looked at him, a feeling traveling through me that I'd never experienced, my throat suddenly dry as I let his words sink in. I don't know what I'd expected him to do, if I thought he'd break down and cry once he said it, or get angry and start yelling, but I was somehow surprised at the way he just continued to stare out in front of us. It was like nothing was different from a few seconds before, yet somehow everything was.

I was stuck between two very conflicting emotions, part of me relieved that he'd finally been able to say it, as if the weight he'd been carrying had somehow been placed between us so that maybe we could share the load, the other part overcome with complete and utter sorrow for the loss that he'd so obviously endured, feeling an ache in my soul that I never knew was possible.

The idea of how he must have felt made me physically nauseous, the knot in my stomach churning as I saw the pain contort his features, like it was physically attacking him from the inside out. The thought of losing one of my brothers was more than I could take, and the idea that they might ever be so upset to take their own life just added an entirely new level of tragedy that I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with.

"For a long time...I kept telling myself that Will Chapman killed her." He continued. "I blamed him...held him responsible, I still do."

I couldn't tear my eyes from him, watching him as tears fell from my eyes, completely engrossed in what he was telling me, like if I listened hard enough I could take his pain away. The sound of his voice, filled with such agony and regret, the devastation that had consumed him for all those months, just beginning to flow out of him as his voice quivered and cracked like he was fighting to get every word out.

"I hate him with every cell in my body, with every fibre of my existence, and I have never been sorry for one second about what I did to him." He said, swallowing hard as he finally looked over at me. "But every fucking morning I wake up, and I wonder if maybe the reason I hate him so much is because deep down I know it was me, that I'm the one who deserves to be hated, because maybe I'm the person who took her from us."

He stared right at me, his eyes holding all of the emotions he felt, his voice shaking with the guilt and torment he was in as he did his best to tell me everything he'd been fighting for so long. Every word he spoke was like a dagger into my heart, but there was some sense of need for it, like was taking each shot eagerly and willingly because I knew that with every word it was somehow healing him. I knew that the more he told me the more he was freeing himself of it, the more he spoke the more of it was released from the hold it had on him.

"Her name was Abby." He said softly, her name coming off his lips like it was sacred, like the very notion of the word needed to be taken care of. "She was a year older than me, the same age as Ruby Turner."

He hung his head as he spoke, looking down at the ground by his feet, doing his best to continue talking. Although he had only told me her name, I was overcome with a sense of knowing her, like the simple sound of it leaving his mouth told me exactly who she was and what she meant to him.