Breaking The Ice

Interview

TJ's POV

"Hurry up, it's almost on!" Liam yelled urgently at Harry, who practically sprinted from the kitchen and hopped over the back of the couch to take his seat next to Shawn, miraculously not spilling a drop of his tea.

"Oh man, I can't wait." Niall said, rubbing his hands together as he leaned forward. "History is being made tonight, folks."

"Oh my god." I said as I threw my head back into the couch, attempting to whine away the anxiousness I felt. "Please stop saying shit like that."

"Sorry, Teej. It's true." Liam said, looking down at me as he threw his arm over my shoulder and pressed his lips to my head. "This is a big deal, we're just proud of you."

I looked up at him and sighed, doing my best to accept what they were telling me, but I was still struggling. My stomach was in knots knowing what was about to happen and, although I had voluntarily done it to myself, it didn't help me from feeling nervous about it. I'd felt so confident in my decision, even as I was doing it for the most part, but as I sat there knowing the world was about to see it, I felt that familiar fear of being vulnerable creep in.

"Mouse you're the first female college athlete ever to speak out about this, you're giving the world the exclusive they've been dying for." Niall said, trying to reassure me. "We're just excited the rest of the world is gonna finally be able to see what we see, the real you."

"It's true, but who knows how they'll spin it. She's also putting herself out there for more criticism." Rex defended. "That's gotta be stressful, especially considering how the media has treated you in the past. I understand why you're anxious about it."

I shot Rex an appreciative smile as I took a deep breath, still feeling nervous but knowing I didn't regret it. It was a different feeling for me, a different kind of anxiety, and I was trying to learn how to navigate it. I felt apprehensive, but also excited in a way, and finally making the choice to speak out about my experience had given me a sense of empowerment that I wasn't sure I'd ever felt before. I think my normal anxiety was always about how people would perceive me, what they might think, and that had somehow shifted into me being able to use that to my advantage, using those thoughts and opinions to effect change and create awareness. I no longer cared about what others would think, knowing I had no way of changing opinions that they seemed to be set on, but I'd found a sense of peace in realizing that their opinions had nothing to do with me.

Of course, that didn't mean it wasn't extremely stressful to put myself out there like that.

After hundreds of reporters and media outlets contacting everyone I knew and requesting to speak to me, I'd finally decided that I was ready. I wanted to tell my side of the story, to take away the power they'd always had over me, and to tell it in a way that might shed light onto some of the problems in the world. I wanted to stop that cycle of being afraid of what the media would say, so I decided it was time to just say it myself so they couldn't twist it and form it into whatever story they chose to create. It felt like it was time.

I wasn't naïve enough to think that there wouldn't still be people who scoffed at it all, who minimized my experiences or said I was whining, but I realized that it wouldn't be any different than what had already been happening. People had been saying things about me for years, going out of their way to make things difficult for me, but I'd made the conscious decision to focus on the people to may benefit from something I had to say. I knew there would be mixed opinions about anything I did, but I'd grown enough to see the good in that instead of focusing on the negative. They had asked to hear my story, and I wanted to give it to them.

I was tired of hiding, of just letting people assume whatever they wanted. I realized that there would still be people with something to say, but that most people had no choice but to make assumptions about me because I never bothered to set anyone straight. I never gave them anything to go on, I never confirmed or denied anything, I'd just let the media write and say whatever they wanted because I'd always been afraid to make it worse. I never wanted to show them who I was, because I'd been too afraid that they'd see and criticize all the things I never liked about myself, that they would feed into that fear I had of never being good enough. I'd allowed my own insecurities to force me into hiding, and essentially played right into their hands.