After We Happened

XXXIII. We Used To Be Like That

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Kabanata 33

We Used To Be Like That

It's already three in the morning and I still don't even have the courage to open the third day. Halos mag-iisang oras ko na rin siyang tinititigan.

It was a white long envelope. I didn't want to open it, but I knew that I had to. Kinakabahan akong buksan dahil malalaman ko nanaman 'yung mga sakit na dinanas niya... noong mga panahong iniwan ko siya.

Partida, second day palang nababasa ko pero bakit ang sakit sakit na? Paano pa kaya kung iyong mga susunod pa?

I opened the envelope slowly, afraid that I might tear it up. I got the thing inside the envelope and it broke my heart even more.

I know I should found this sweet, but it was very different now, hindi na kami. Wala ng kami. Iba na 'yung ngayon.

I just found myself crying habang titig na titig doon... I saw that there was another letter inside it. I opened it and read it, kahit sigurado akong masasaktan lang naman ulit ako.

December 24, 20XX

Hi wifey!

      Look, noche buena na mamaya. Ang bilis ano? Ano nga palang oras ka uuwi from work? Surprise kaya kita at sunduin kita? Gustong-gusto ko gawain 'yan. Kasi mamayang gabi bibigay ko na ang gift ko sa'yo. Yung Christmas gift ko sa'yo. Hatinggabi... mamaya, sana matuwa ka.

Three days since naging asawa na kita. I think I'm the happiest man alive. You know? I am so damn lucky to have a wife like you, but I guess... you don't think you're lucky having me.

But it's okay, Daff. I'm not mad at you. Ni wala akong hinanakit sa'yo. Don't worry about me. I am okay. It was really okay and sometimes, okay is enough. It is enough for me.

Okay...

I don't even know what being okay means, but I still settled for it. I still settled for an okay, because what else can I do? What else do I have to feel? I think for now... being okay is the best choice there is to make.

I think I'm actually getting better... no, I was wrong. I'm getting worse and worse everyday, but this is not your fault, okay? It's mine. It's mine to deal with, because I knew that this was all my fault.

I was crying earlier this morning when Mom saw me, she didn't talk or even speak to me, she just listened to me and my problems while I was crying.

Then, I realized, that sometimes, a person who will listen to you is all you need, then... I missed you. I remember, if ever I have problems, pinapakinggan mo lang ako. You're the one that is always dealing with me and my rants and problems in life. I missed your words of wisdom. Deninn's words of wisdom are not enough. Iba 'yung sa iyo eh. Ibang-iba.

I miss you so much.

Balik ka na, Daff. I already forgave you, believe me. Hindi ako galit sa 'yo kung iyan ang iniisip mo, because Mom told me before she left me that, "If you can't forgive the one you love for the wrong things that he or she has done, then you never loved them at all." and the moment that I heard that you left me, I automatically forgave you because I really love you... I hope you know that.

Love... I think it will never be loved, Daffney. It will never be in past tense, because I don't even know how to unlove you... I hope you do too.