After We Happened

XXXV. All This Time

Kabanata 35

All This Time

Hindi nanaman ako makatulog. Palagi na lang ganito. Puyat, bangag, para na talaga akong ewan. May insomnia na yata ako.

Ano nga ba ang gamot dito?

Bumaba ako para sana uminom muna ng gatas, pero nakita ko si Mommy na nandoon sa may bar counter.

It's already two thirty in the morning, bakit kaya gising pa siya?

She's just drinking green tea.

Kakapanibago ata 'to ah?

"Uy 'my, bakit po gising pa kayo?"

"Something's bothering me..." she smiled at me. "At ngayon alam ko na kung ano 'yun at bakit.

"Hmm, ano po 'yun?" I asked curiously.

"Let's do a heart to heart talk," ani Mommy. Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. Wait? Nanay ko ba 'to? I mean close naman kami sa family namin but, we never really communicated like this.

Kung may mapag-uusapan man kami ayun ay lahatan kami, hindi 'yung ganito. Hindi 'yung kami lamang dalawa.

But... from what I know, ang kaclose talaga ni mommy ay si Ate Dexan at ako naman, si Kuya Daffin talaga ang paborito ko dito sa aming pamilya.

"Ako po?" I asked kahit obvious na naman. These past few days para na talaga akong tanga.

She nodded. "Come on, upo ka rito, hija," aniya sabay turo sa bar stool sa tabihan niya.

Kumuha muna ako ng baso at nagsalin ng gatas at saka umupo sa tabihan ni Mommy. "Anak, Daffney... I know I'm not the perfect mother and I'm sorry for that." I nodded before smiling at her. "It still pains me... seeing you like this, Daffney, hija," she said.

I didn't speak.

I was always more of a listener than a speaker. Tama siya, magaling ako sa pakikinig... ng mga kwento, ng mga problema, ng mga reklamo sa buhay... pero ngayon? Parang hindi na yata.

"Tama nga ang sinasabi nila... nararamdaman talaga ng mga magulang kapag may problemang dinadala ang mga anak nila, 'cause our hearts are connected to one another.

"So... I just wanted to ask you, anak... kamusta na ba ang puso mo?" tinanong niya 'yun sa pinaka-malumanay niyang boses.

My mom looked hopeful waiting for an answer while looking at me.

"I don't really know, mom... I mean I think I don't even have one anymore..." I said as I sighed.

She sighed, too. "You have one, wala nga lang sa 'yo," aniya. Naguluhan ako masyado sa sinabi niya sa akin.

"Na kay Darlin pa din kasi."

At tuluyan na akong nalinawan.

"In loving somebody. Daff... lagi 'yang may kaakibat na understanding and forgiving."

I just looked at her and listened. "Kapag magmamahal ka dapat matibay ka, matatag ka, malakas ka. Parehas dapat kayong iniintindi ang isa't-isa."

She smiled a little. Then, a memory from years ago flashed into my mind.

"Mom... Dad cheated on you right? How did you manage to forgive him for all the things that he has done?"

She smiled and held my hands. "Yes, he did... Of course at first, I could not even believe your father. I mean... we were married for twenty-five years, tapos tyaka pa siya nagloko, tyaka niya pa naisipang lokohin ako, hindi ba?" she laughed a little.

Natawa rin naman ako.

"My heart was full of anger years ago... sinabi ko sa sarili ko, after twenty-five years hindi na pala ako mahal ng tatay niyo?

"But of course, kahit nasaktan ako... I chose to stay, because I love him and my family. Nangako kasi ako sa kanya sa araw ng kasal namin. For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part..."

For better or for worse...

"Pinatawad ko siya hindi lang naman dahil sa mahal ko siya, it's because he deserves it, anak. Everyone deserves a second chance, wala naman kasing taong perpekto.

"Lahat 'yan nagkakamali. Lahat naman tayo nagkakamali. At tandaan mo, hindi pagmamahal 'yan kung puro tama lang ang nagagawa niyo. Palagi at palagi 'yang may pagkakamali and because of all those wrongs... doon mas napapatibay ang samahan ninyong dalawa... ang relasyon niyo. Flaws and all, you'll still love him kung tunay nga 'yang pagmamahal na 'yan."

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko at pinipigilan kong maiyak sa lahat ng mga sinasabi ni Mommy sa akin.

"Alam kong nasaktan ka niya, anak. Pero... don't always look at your side. Kagaya nga sa picture, may bawat perspective ito... and in our lives? Syempre mayroon din. Just try to imagine being in his shoes, tinakbuhan ka sa kasal ng babaeng mahal na mahal mo, it's humiliating and at the same time heart shattering, right?"

I cried. Sana mali na lang sinasabi ni Mommy. It was my fault, buong akala ko kasi talaga ay hindi siya darating.

Of course, nilamon ako noon ng galit at nabulag ako dahil sa mga nangyari at sitwasyon.

"Everyday, he would visit here trying to fetch for some informations about you, pero hindi namin ibinigay because we understood that you needed time to heal yourself. We respected that."

Mas hinigpitan niya pa ang pagkaka-hawak sa kamay ko, bahagya niyang pinisil iyon.

I felt a little comfort, it was like my mom's trying to tell me that everything's going to be fine. That everything's going to be okay.

"But... knowing that he searched for you in America, that's true love, Daffney... and I could really see that he's regretting all he did dahil gusto niyang mag-sorry sa 'yo."

"I remembered one time, pumunta siya dito. He kneeled right in front of me..." Mommy's already crying too.

"He pleaded... nagmamakaawa siyang sabihin ko man lang daw kung nasaan ka. I remembered him saying, 'Tita, I just wanted to say sorry. She deserves a sorry. Kahit hindi na po niya ako balikan, kahit makapag-sorry man lang ako sa kanya...' he was in a huge mass of pain and I'm sorry, anak, because I told him."

Umiyak pa lalo si Mommy na para bang sobrang laking pagkakamali ang nagawa niya.

I tapped her shoulder telling her na ayos lang 'yun. Okay lang sa akin. Tyaka, tapos nanaman.

"I actually thought na magbabalikan na kayo... but nothing happened. After a year he returned here in the country and he made his own name."

She smiled. "He made you his inspiration, anak."

I closed my eyes and tried remembering what happened there.

"Alam kong hindi madaling magpatawad, pero, Daffney... minsan, kailangan. Kung hindi mo na siya mahal, anak... at least give him the closure he needs, give him the forgiveness, because he deserves it at kung mahal mo pa naman siya, give him forgiveness and the yes he has been waiting for four years," Mom hugged me as she left me here.

After all these time, my mom was all I needed para malinawan, para masapul 'yung hinahanap-hanap kong sagot.

And I just made my decision.

I'll give Darlin the forgiveness he needs and the yes he's been waiting all this time.