Stars {Complete}

Seven

T H R E E  M O N T H S  L A T E R

"How do you always manage to smile?" Dan asked, nuzzling into Phil's neck slightly. They always lay like this, Phil said that Dan thought best like this, and he was right.
"I always manage to find the positive" Phil ran his fingers down Dan's spine, it relaxed him.
"No, but- How? How were you programmed to always seek out the positives? I mean- Humans aren't programmed but we kind-of are? It stresses me out. What does happiness feel like?" Dan sighed, he rambled a lot, especially about happiness and the science surrounding it. "I mean, like, what does constant happiness feel like?"
"Like this, I guess" Phil gestured around his room, and to Dan "Warm, safe, cozy and homey, it's like a warm light or a sunset. Like a hot chocolate on a freezing night"
"Woah" Dan whispered, "Constant happy seems like- the coolest thing ever." He suddenly felt worried "What if I never get better, Phil? What if I live my entire life being stuck in this loop of almost there? Or even worse, I'll be stuck in the endless loop of tiny bursts that go as soon as they come?" Dan was rambling again "And I'll never ever see the brightness or the warmth because I can't ever feel it."

Dan was crying on Phil's chest but it didn't matter because Phil was holding him, comforting him and he looked so perfect and soft and happy but when didn't he? Dan wanted to stay like this forever, cozied up with Phil, safe.

"Hey- Hey, it's okay. Honey its alright" Phil whispered, trying to calm him down.

Before Dan could realize what the fuck he was doing, he lightly kissed Phil. It was soft and delicate and worried just like Dan, and it was beautiful and sweet and felt like home. Dan could feel the positivity from Phil join him and for once he felt truly happy. Phil was kissing back, which was the strangest part to Dan. It wasn't a one way awkward 'let's never talk about this again' kiss, it was an 'I have needed this for so long don't leave me, ever' kiss and- the way Phil held him, it was magical. It wasn't like he was trying to deepen the kiss, it was more delicate like he was afraid Dan would leave him. Phil was soft and sweet and Dan couldn't help but want to stay in that moment forever. They were happy at that moment, he hadn't been this happy ever but there he was, in Phil Lester's arms, kissing him, everything he'd ever wanted.

But then he pulled away, and he noticed Phil's black eye bags and the way his eyes always looked pained no matter what Dan said or did. Dan always managed to find the negative in even the most beautiful of situations

"No-" Dan gasped. The happy was gone, the magical, strong and safe happy, as soon as it had shown up it had disappeared. All that was left was the rage.

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"Why didn't you push me away" Dan looked at Phil angrily from across the room. "You're supposed to keep me tethered to reality and you're supposed to keep me normal and-" He was holding back tears "You're supposed to be making me happy- You promised me you'd keep me happy. But you lied- you can't sustain this- you're fucking dating a girl, Phil. You don't care about anyone except yourself and that's why you tried to help me, isn't it? After PJ died and I had fucking no-one, but he is- sorry, was your fucking cousin"Dan's voice waivered after bringing up PJ "You're just helping me to clear your fucking conscious. You don't remotely care. At least PJ cared enough to try to find a permanent solution instead of bullshit bursts of pure bliss" Dan was crying now. "You never even tried, did you, Phil?" Dan inhaled "Why didn't you push me away?" He tried to have the same confidence he had before, but his voice was weak.
Phil opened his mouth but didn't say anything.
"Fuck you." Dan yelled again "Fuck you for leading me on and making me feel safe. Fuck you for ruining me by leading me on like this. For making me feel like we could be something" His voice was breaking, he was choking back more tears "If you ever try to even fucking talk to me again-" He let a tear fall "Fuck you, Philip Micheal Lester"
"Dan-"
"Don't fucking speak. Don't tell me in your perfect voice about how you love me because you don't. Don't tell me with your perfect eyes how sad you feel that the broken boy almost loved you. Don't act like you know me" Dan grabbed his bag. "Don't ever talk to me- ever again" He took one look at Phil's eyes, to read his emotion.

Heartbreak

"Dan- I" He was crying.

"You fucking disgust me" He spat "Do not ever, ever get in my head like that- ever again" He walked out of Phil's parents' house. It didn't matter that Dan lived half an hours walk away, he couldn't spend another minute near Phil.

How could he let himself be used like that? How could he let Phil so close? PJ always said that Phil got whatever he wanted. How could he ignore PJ and let Phil use him? PJ was all Dan had, and once he left Dan didn't know what to do. Phil felt like a safety blanket of comfort. But it was all wrong because Phil just used him. Why did he ever trust Phil? How could he betray PJ, ignore his warnings and kiss Phil? Why did he kiss Phil? 

Dan let a tear fall as he walked along the road.

"Dan-" He heard a familiar yell, Phil.
"What part of don't talk to me do you not fucking understand" Dan turned around and saw Phil running up to him.
"Dan- I know you didn't mean everything you said." He gasped "I know you lost your connection to happiness-"
"What the fuck do you know about losing happiness, Phil? You didn't even care when Pj died. I could tell, I" Dan was whispering at the end, trying to pretend he didn't almost tell Phil he could read his eyes.
"Did you mean everything you said?" Phil was crying "Please tell me"

Dan read at Phil's eyes. 

Heartbreak, lost, cold and gone.

Dan knew Phil wanted an honest answer.

"Some of it"
"What was, what wasn't" He looked distraught 
'As if you care' Dan thought
"You don't care that the broken boy almost loved" He sighed "You certainly don't care that the broken boy did love."
Phil held Dan, and he didn't pull away.
"Please don't-" Phil sobbed "Please don't- you're not broken"
"Then what am I? Phil?" He snapped, pushing Phil off him "Just another one of your side-dicks?"
"You're just- lost. You're a lost puppy who got discarded on the side of the road."
"Fuck off" Dan winced slightly, PJ called him his puppy "You know you can't bring him in this"
"I didn't mean to-" Phil looked worried "I never mean to-  I just, I have a lot in common with him"
"He didn't hurt me like you have" Dan sobbed "He'd never hurt me like you did. He'd never use me. I would never be PJ's gay side-fuck"
"You w-" Phil quickly stopped himself "You aren't"
"What about Monica? What are you going to say to her? You guys have your entire lives planned out"
"I don't know anymore- Dan!" Phil yelled, running his hands through his hair "I don't know what to think or do because you changed everything" He looked in Dan's eyes "Not in a bad way- but I'm messed up"
Dan stepped back
"You made me feel useful-" Phil yelled "Like someone actually depended on me"
"I did!" Dan yelled
"Why did you kiss me" He looked worried
"Why didn't you stop me" Dan replied, quietly
"I couldn't. I- I- I just-" Phil looked at his feet
"Phil?" Dan tilted his head up and looked into his eyes, to read his emotion

Love.

Dan kissed Phil again, softly.

Maybe Phil did love Dan,
And just maybe, Dan felt the same.