I've had a horrible last couple days ...so i was dating this guy for a while and he dumped me yesterday ...and now my brother wants to kill him 😂 oh and I failed my French test ..I gotta 69%😂😂 ..but really I've been having a lot of trouble talking to people at all Idk why I've been acting like this ...today Gage and I started talking again like we used too ..we finally talked about how we felt about your death ...I never realized someone felt the same way I did...I know you must get this a lot ..but Tony I miss you ...I miss you a lot ...I miss out all night conversations and meet ups at the pool and just being able to hear your voice and see your smile I miss your REAL smile not the fake one you used to pretend you were ok ...I know what your real one was ..your eyes sparkled when you smiled and your face got red ...I remember in Mrs. Findleys class she always had a soft spot for you ..since you called her mom ..then as we stood out side the aquarium in Chicago we took selfies with chastity and Gage ...idk if I still have them ...I wish I did ..I wish I still had the video of you and Gage getting in trouble last year during third round ..I wish I had it so I could hear your voice again ..I remember my mom meeting you for the first time ..as soon as she met you she fell in love with the idea of us getting married ..it's kinda funny honestly ..now the idea is so far away ...but she would tell me daily that I need to invite you over for bon fires and birthday party's ....you were one of my closest friends ..you listened to everything I had to say and always were there for me when I needed someone ...I shouldn't have left you cold...i should've went through therapy with you ..I should've been your shoulder to cry on but I wasn't ...I'm sorry for that ..Ill never forgive myself for that but honestly no one realized how bad your depression had gotten ...no would've ever though you'd be dead ...I never saw it ...it's still hard for me to go to church ..it's hard for me look in the mirror honestly ...sorry I know I'm blabbing on but it's the truth ..I found this song ...I've been talking to haven and Gage about having a celebration of life for you I wanna sing it for you ...we are thinking about having one on the six month anniversary of your death ...Haven doesn't think she knew you as well as Gage and I ..I think differently ..I can tell she new you so much better than she is letting on ...Tony I want you back I want you here with me ..I need a hug ...the kind you used to give me when I was upset I need you ...Ill talk to you later I love you
Maddie Michelle Kalvig
