Human |lashton|

t h r e e

(A/N POSSIBLE TRIGGERING READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

~ a s h t o n ~

after lunch was music. i normally enjoy music although i never participated. this time jai was bulling me. he punched me in the stomach and eye, as i went to put my hands on my eyes my sleeves rolled up and of corse jai saw. "hey everybody! look ashton cuts what a freak i knew it haha loser." he screams as he shows everyone my cuts. the teacher wasn't in at the time but i ran into her as i was running out of the classroom. "mr irwin running out of class? thats a friday after school detention." she said giving me a pink slip. jai was laughing real hard and look who i got detention with. jai. but i didn't cry this whole time but i was crying inside. i can't cry at school, because im not a fucking wimp.

when i got home i pulled out my guitar (yes, i can play guitar and drums) and laptop. i open camera and start recoding. "hi everyone'' i say trying the best fake smile i can. "im going to be doing a different song than i usually do im going to be singing 'human' by christina perri." i decided to sing that song because it relates to me so much.

as soon as i start singing tears roll down my cheeks but i still keep recoding. when i finshed recoding i say, "bye guys this will probably be my last video ever. i love you all" i blow a kiss and stop recoding. i post the video on my youtube. i have a youtube because i like to express my feelings and i like to show people how i sing even though im shit.

im grateful nobody's home because they don't even know about my youtube account.

i go to my bathroom and grab my blade and run it across my wrist. normally i keep count of how much i do each time i do and write it in my journal. i fill up the bath with freezing cold water and go into my bedroom and get a pen and my cutting journal. i opened it up and looked at the first page.

16th june 2012.

today i cut for the very first time i didn't want to and i didn't mean to, but with everything going on in my life right now i think its appropriate. especially today the bulling was bad.

im sorry.

8 cuts on my left wrist.

7 cuts on my right wrist.

- ashton

i remember that day two years ago. i was going through what i thought was a 'rough time' in my life because my mum and dad got divorced and the bulling i thought was bad and it is nothing to what i get put through now.

i go to most recent page that i've written one.

9th july 2014 11:57pm.

i know i just wrote in this after school and before school so this is the third time i've written in this journal today.

im sorry.

34cuts on my left wrist.

32cuts on my right wrist.

like i've told you in my other notes or whatever i call them, i wouldn't be here if luke wasn't.

im going to try and get some sleep tonight but my

insomnia will make me get none.

- ashton

A tear rolls down my face as i start to write.

10th july 2014 7:39pm

today was my worst day ever at school. not only did i get physically and verbally bullied but everyone found out i cut. so this is going to be the last time i ever write in this.

im sorry

57cuts on my left wrist.

55cuts on my right wrist.

im now going to write my suicide note in this also.

*suicide note*

calum, im sorry. i know we had plans on going to make it big one day, and im sorry i wrecked them. you're my best friend and i love you thank you.

michael, im sorry. thank you for all the times i would call you up in the middle of the night when i was depressed and you would talk to me. thank you for being my best friend and i love you.

family, im sorry. i know you all probably knew i would commit soon.

harry your my brother and i love you. you can have anything of my things that you want. I love you.

lauren, you're my sister you have always been friendly to me and i love you.

mum, im sorry. i love you so much and don't forget that. even though im not here now as your reading this don't forget me. thank you for everything you ever did for me.

dad, i know we haven't talked in a few years but i love you an yeah.

and luke, oh luke hemmings, im sorry. i loved you so much. i loved you with all my heart. thank you for standing up to the bullies for me. luke, you were my happiness, my sunshine, my everything. i know this sounds girly and cheesy this letter to you and im sorry about that. and luke i don't mean i love you like how i love michael and calum. i love you like love love i don't know what it is about you that makes me love you. i don't know if its your ocean blue eyes, or your adorable dimples, or your lip piercing. but i was attracted to you like metal on a magnet. thank you for also being my best friend. once again i love you.

~ashton

p.s. please don't call an ambulance let me die. i know ill be happier anywhere but here.

after an ocean full of blood lost thats fallen onto my book and carpet, and a river full of tears i put my journal next to the bath. i stripped into my underwear, swallowed half a bottle of pills and got into the ice cold bath.

after a few minutes everything starts fading away.