Human |lashton|

f o u r

~ c a l u m ~

"hello ms irwin." i say as i pick up the phone. "its ashto-'' she starts crying so hard she cant breathe. "where are you i'll get luke and mikey and meet you there?" i say worriedly. "you can't really meet me anywhere but home." she replied. "we will be there in 15 ok bye tell ash i say h-" she hung up on me i didn't even get to finish my sentence. time to pick up luke and mikey and meet at ash's. why didn't ash just call me? wait why is his mum crying? o shit somethings wrong with ashton.

~ l u k e ~

"hey cal, whats up?'' i say as i answer my phone. "i'll be at your house in ten. be there and be changed.''

"wait, whats going on? also what do i gotta wea-" ok then he hung up on me. thats not what he usually does something must be wrong.

eight and a half minutes later calum shows up with mikey. yes i've been counting how long its been since calum called. i count the minutes when i get nervous.

"hurry up luke! get in!" calum yells out his window.

"whats wrong calum? and wheres ash? are we picking him up now?" i ask. "yeah you haven't spoken to me the whole way here." michael says butting in. "i don't know yet, but its something about ash. hes mum called me and she was crying'' calum says trying not to cry. "o my god. ash'' i whisper to myself. i just hope that theres nothing wrong and ashton's pranking us. like he always does.

as soon as we pull up at ashton's house we all see his mum crying. i take my seatbelt off and open my door before the car even stops. i run up to her. "whats wrong?" i ask ashton's mum worriedly. "please tell me this has nothing to do with ashton'' she hands me a book on it on the front it says 'ashton' in ashton's sexy handwriting, by now michael and calum were by my side.

i open up to the first page and read it.

16th june 2012.

today i cut for the very first time i didn't want to and i didn't mean to, but with everything going on in my life right now i think its appropriate. especially today the bulling was bad.

im sorry.

8 cuts on my left wrist.

7 cuts on my right wrist.

- ashton

tears start racing out of my eyes. ashton cut? does he still cut? o god.

"turn to the last page and read it" said ashton's mum. i never got hold of her name i will get ashton to tell me her name later.

i start reading.

then i start crying even more. i don't even know how it is possible but it is for me.

i read the last bit that he wrote for me over an over again.

and luke, luke hemmings, im sorry. i loved you so much. i loved you with all my heart. thank you for standing up to the bullies for me. luke, you were my happiness, my sunshine, my everything. i know this sounds girly and cheesy this letter to you and im sorry about that. and luke i don't mean i love you like how i love michael and calum. i love you like love love i don't know what it is about you that makes me love you. i don't know if its your ocean blue eyes, or your adorable dimples, or your lip piercing. but i was attracted to you like metal on a magnet. thank you for also being my best friend. once again i love you.

~ashton

i fall on the floor. tears have stopped coming out of my eyes. now its just screams, dry ugly screams.

after reading it over and over and over i notice something, its blood and its everywhere. o my god that must be from all the cuts ashton did before he wrote this.

i never knew ashton liked me the same way i liked him. o fuck it, i didn't even know he likes boys. i could've taken him on romantic dates, we could've dated and now because of me ashtons dead.

why did i have to do everything wrong all the time? i should be the one dead, not ashton. he was to worthy to die, he was good enough to not die.

then i realised something. ben was right. i could've helped ash. i could've saved him, i could've saved a life. but i was being to selfish and let him die. he died because of me.