Thomas Sanders Sides One-shots

Insecure

Trigger Warning: angst, self hatred and mentions of skipping meals and stuff. I'm not sure what this chapter really falls under to be honest, it's more just me throwing all my issues into a chapter as a way to vent. It's not particularly happy.

He'd always been slightly insecure of the way he looked and acted.

It probably seemed ridiculous to the others and it didn't matter how many times someone told him he looked good or that he was amazing, he never believed a word.

Compliments left him flustered as he had no idea how to respond without accusing whoever spoke of lying or being wrong which would probably seem rude.

Instead he would just laugh nervously and say thank you to whoever had complimented him.

No amount of compliments could stop the way he felt when he looked in a mirror though. He felt fat and ugly and disgusting.

He would avoid mirrors as much as possible, knowing if he looked into one for too long he'd start to spiral into a pit of self hate and probably end up having a breakdown.

He'd skip breakfast everyday occasionally having lunch if he remembered and during the evenings he'd have something relatively small for dinner.

No one really picked up on it so this became a normal habit. He never felt hungry in the mornings. It started as an excuse and then became true.

He'd 'forget' to have lunch because he'd be so focused on something else and he convinced everyone including himself that it was merely because he was busy or not hungry, it wasn't on purpose or anything.

At dinner he'd look at the food and eat as little as he could get away with while also making it seem like he'd piled up his plate.

This was the regular schedule for months until one day he suddenly felt his insecurities seemingly melt away.

He started to feel better about himself, stopped avoiding mirrors   and gained a little more confidence.

He felt amazing for the first time in ages and he walked around the mindspace with his head held high.

Of course this was never going to last because no matter how happy everything is something always happens to ruin it.

He was sitting on the couch with a plate of pizza, watching a Doctor Who episode when Patton walked in.

"Hey Logan, what are you up to?"

Logan held up his plate slightly, not even looking away from the screen.

"Woah that's a lot of pizza, save some for the rest of us." Patton said and Logan felt his mood immediately drop.

He glanced at his plate of pizza and grimaced slightly as he realised just how much he was eating.

He swallowed the mouthful he had with some difficulty and put the plate next to him with a mumbled "I'm not hungry anymore."

Before Patton could respond Logan got up and walked out, heading back to his room.

He bumped into Roman who rolled his eyes and said "Watch where you're going nerd. I know you have poor eyesight but that's no excuse to walk into someone. Especially me."

Logana face went red and he mumbled out an apology before darting into his room where he leant against his door trying to hold himself together.

It was just an innocent little comment from Patton but it just reminded Logan of his insecurities and his new found confidence had immediately disappeared.

He was back to avoiding mirrors and not wanting to eat much.

He felt useless, like everything he did was meaningless and anyone else could do so much better of a job than he could.

He happened to glance into his mirror and had to fight the urge to punch it.

It was fascinating how words were so powerful they could completely make or break a person.

Unfortunately Logan never believed the nice things said about him, especially after Deceit said he was everyones favourite character, therefore meaning he was everyones least favourite.

Logan sighed and turned away from his mirror, feeling slightly sick as all his self loathing thoughts swirled in his head like an ocean of hate which was slowly but surely causing him to drown.

He sat on his bed and let a few tears roll down his face. If he were a wishing person he'd probably take the opportunity to wish for things to get better or something but he wasn't so he just sat hunched over, shaking with repressed sobs.

He knew he should be used to feeling like this but it still had the same effect on him as when he first felt hateful of himself.

He flopped back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling, his eyes glazed over both from the tears and the fact he was lost in thought.

He wondered what the others would do or say if he just stopped coming out of his room, or just stopped doing what he did.

He sighed and turned onto his side, shaking his head. He couldn't afford to think like that, things would be better in the morning. He closed his eyes, knowing he was lying to himself about that but it was how he stopped the more dangerous thoughts from overwhelming him.

He drifted off into a restless sleep, plagued by nightmares.

This chapter is a bit all over the place because it's mostly just a way of getting my own issues out of my head. I had a pretty bad day yesterday.

I have to go to a family event today so I won't be able to respond or upload anything else for a while.