Thomas Sanders Sides One-shots

Relapse

Trigger Warnings: self-harm

He hadn't meant to do it. He'd been doing amazingly well for years and although he still sometimes got the thoughts they were easy to brush away.

He was sitting watching TV, criss cross apple sauce style because that's how he felt most comfortable.

Logan walked in and sat on the other couch and there was a few moments of silence before he muttered something about Roman hogging the remote.

Roman rolled his eyes and grabbed the remote from the floor where it had fallen, and quickly swung his arm up to throw the remote to Logan.

As he did so a stinging pain shot through him and he held back a small gasp.

He looked down at his arm and almost in the very crook of it was a raised scratch. He frowned in confusion before realising he'd somehow managed to do it with his big toenail.

He grimaced as he ran a thumb over the nail and felt how sharp it was.

He glanced back at the scratch and poked it, shivering slightly from the stinging sensation he got.

Before he could stop himself he dragged his arm over his toenail again and caused a longer scratch except this one wasn't bleeding.

It was just a long red line across his forearm and he blinked a couple times before realising what he'd just done.

He glanced up and was glad Logan hadn't noticed. He quickly excused himself to his room where he locked the door and started pacing.

"What the fuck? You fucking idiot!" he muttered to himself, slapping himself in the face a couple times and gesturing wildly.

"You've been clean for years and then you go and do that? What the fuck?"

He sank onto his bed and put his head in his hands as his thoughts spiralled rapidly.

What did he do now? The temptation to do it again was higher than it had been for several years but he couldn't bring himself to do that again. It was bad enough he'd given in once.

Did he just pass it off as nothing? Just a scratch he'd gotten from a quest or something? Or did he come clean and tell the others the truth?

What would they say? What if they freaked out and panicked? What if they treated Roman like he was made of glass? Like the smallest thing could set him off?

Or worse, what if they shouted at him? What if they got angry at him for not resisting? What if they got annoyed that Roman had failed to stay clean?

The idea that he'd failed kept bouncing round his head.

If he'd failed what was the point of continuing to resist the urges?

No, he couldn't think like that. Yes he gave in once but there was no reason to freak out or give up. If anything that just meant he should try harder to resist the urges.

He looked down at the two marks on his arm and sighed. The second one would probably fade into nothing after a day or two but the one that was bleeding would probably bother him for a week or so.

Whenever he got scratches on his forearms they always tended to last a long time and he wasn't sure if that was down to where he used to harm himself or if the skin there was just particularly susceptible to marks and injuries.

He decided he was just not going to mention what had happened unless someone specifically asked him about the scratches.

There was no real reason to freak the others out by mentioning it because he didn't want them to assume he was going to resort back to harming himself again.

He was adamant about staying clean, he just happened to have a weak moment and the impulse had slipped through before he could stop himself.

After 15 minutes he took a few calming breaths and walked back out of his room.

Everything was alright and if his fingers and toes hurt slightly from where he'd clipped the nails a little too short? Well he was just going to ignore that.

Just a short something to keep you all preoccupied.

I'm going to the hospital to visit my best friend today and give her an enormous hug and reassure myself that I didn't lose her.

I'll write when I feel up to it and there's a possibility I'll publish a chapter or something but I can't promise anything as my mood has been all over the place recently due to my friends situation.

Sorry this isn't a particularly long chapter or any of the ones I promised.