demolition lovers // josh dun

\\ 34 \\

"Delilah, please say something."

"..."

"So you're just going to ignore me the whole way home?"

"..."

Shawn sighs and keeps his eyes on the road. There's clearly a reason I'm ignoring him, but he just doesn't get it.

This is his fault.

Or is it?

"Listen, I know you're still tired, but you have to talk to me at some point."

I would rather die.

"How did you really end up in that pool?"

Tell him, the little voice in my head says. Tell him how he makes you want to kill yourself every single day.

No, I can't. That would make things worse.

You won't know til you try. Time's ticking, you won't last another week. Tell him now or it will stay ingrained in your conscious forever.

"I want to die." I say, not necessarily meaning for it to come out of my mouth.

The car pulls up to a read light, and Shawn presses on the break a little too hard, sending us both a few inches forward.

"Why didn't you tell me? I had no idea you felt like that."

See? Now it's your fault you didn't tell him.

You should just die.

Die.

Die.

Die.

Just like your father.

"I'm gonna be sic-" I open the car door and spew all over the pavement.

//

Why am I here?

"Meet me at that beauty school you used to go to. I just want to talk for a few minutes."

Why do I do this to myself?

I'm sitting in my Jeep, in the parking lot of my old college. I didn't tell Mia about this. My phone buzzes in my lap, silently. I still have the volume off from the concert. I half expect to look down and see "Unknown Number" on the Caller ID, but it isn't. It's Josh.

"Hey." I answer. I haven't heard from him in days.

"Hey, what's up? Sorry I haven't been able to call for a while." I see a black Suburban pull into the parking lot. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. It's all good. Hey, uh, now's not really a good time."

"Oh? Okay, well I can probably call you in the morning." The other car flashes it's headlights at me.

You should just die.

"Delilah?"

"Yeah?"

"You went to that concert tonight, didn't you?"

Remember when I said that Josh knows everything? That was not an exaggeration.

"Yeah." I hear him sigh on the other end.

"Just be careful, okay? I will be on the next plane home if anything happens. Don't let him get to you."

The other line cuts out. He's mad.

I should just go home. Josh would be even more pissed if he knew I was here right now. Come to think of it, everyone in my life would be pissed right now.

Knock knock.

"Jesus Christ!" Slips out of my mouth as I jump, looking over at the passenger window.

"You just gonna sit in there, or are we gonna talk?" I hear Shawn through the glass. My heart is racing.

I crack the window, but keep the doors locked. I can't take any chances. I'm already stupid enough for meeting him out here.

"You get five minutes. Come over to my side. Doors are locked, windows are mostly up." I say, clutching the pepper spray that I slipped in my purse before coming out.

He walks in front of my vehicle, lighting a cigarette on the way over. Fucking, gross. Part of me contemplates taking my foot off the break and just running him over a little bit. But I decide to park. I keep staring at the lot ahead of me, but I feel that he's right outside my window. We just sit in silence for a few moments.

"Man, I haven't been here in a long, long time." He says.

"What the fuck do you want to talk about?"

"Wow, hostile still?" I shoot him what I assume is a very disgusted look. Did this idiot really call me out here to waste my time?

"Seriously, Shawn, what do you want?"

"I wanted to apologize."

Wait, what?

"Apologize," I laugh. "After how many years, you want to finally apologize? Not accepted. Good night." I start to roll the window back up, but he raises his voice.

"No, really!" I stop. "Listen, I've been getting some help. I realize how huge of an asshole I was to you. I promise, you'll never hear from me again. But I want you to know that I feel all the guilt that I should have four years ago. And I'm sorry. For everything."

I look down at the scars on my arms, one of which now covered by a tattoo.

He caused these. Never forget that.

"I know an apology isn't going to fix what's already done."

I look out the window. He seems genuine.

"Yeah, you're right." I say, before rolling up the window and pulling out of the parking lot, not taking a second to look through my rear view mirror. Yeah, he seemed genuine. But I could never trust that fucking douche ever again.

I drive a couple of miles away before I look back. No black Suburban following me. Thank God. My phone, sitting on the passenger seat, brightens the entire car. I glance over.

From Josh: Sorry for hanging up like that. Just please be careful

Headlights shine in my eyes, and I hear a loud sounding of another vehicle's horn.

Everything goes white.