ONE
May 2nd, 2015
As I make my way up, higher and higher, I realize that for once, I seem to have a purpose to fulfill. As the edge looms closer, I mull over what exactly it was that drove me over it.
Of course, it's far from that simple. Little pieces, bigger ones. All of them mushed together to paint the big picture. There's no one around to help me against the violent brushstrokes waging a predisposed war against me. Surrender has always been inevitable, no matter the layers of color I coat to mask it.
The salty air fills my lungs as I regard my surroundings. Around me is the familiar green foliage I've walked past countless times. Despite the traffic behind me, I feel alone. I know I'm just biding time to dodge the inevitable. I remind myself why I'm here. I've played my part, and would rather step offstage than be taken.
Cars zoom down the highway now below me. My eyes linger, not on the machines themselves, the but the people they enclose.
A peek through the rose-tinted glass shows carefree passengers, happy passengers.
Why can't I have that?
My legs grow heavier with each stride. A cold draught catches me off guard, my arms fumbling to brace myself against the weather. I wince as my stubby fingers trace the fading scars decorating my arms.
A seagull squawks somewhere, and then it's quiet. It's as if there's no one around for miles. I take in a deep breath and try wallow in the solitude. I shut out the screaming voices in my head, which are just impediments in my otherwise decided path. A slip of my guard, and they'll be the drivers of my train of thought.
Finally, I'm at the edge, overlooking the sea, full of angry whitecaps slamming against the rocks. Greenery for miles. A rush of adrenalin accompanies me as I take my place. An inch forward could send me plummeting into the brutal waves opening their arms to me.
But I hold myself back. Of course.
Just when things begin to find clarity, they lose focus, impairing my thoughts and leaving behind apprehension. I'm about to give up, like I do with every other damn thing, when their words race through my mind. They urge me to do what I came to do. Did they really know what destruction they were causing, when they unleashed their cruel words onto me?
Feeling my vision cloud with tears once again, I chide myself for letting them get to me. I had vowed not to cry just before getting a shot at a clean slate. But this is no different, just another broken promise. Only this time, it's a promise to myself that's being broken.
My heart thuds against its cage in protest as determination sinks in.
Lesson One: Never listen to your heart.
I'm ready. Yet, as I prepare myself to let go, I hesitate, waiting for someone to call out, telling me not to do this. I wait for someone to tell me that my life is worth living.
It never comes, reminding me that no one's even looking.
The wind howls, making my clothes snap, and my hair whip. I slowly tuck a strand behind my ear. I try to savor my last moments, but I catch myself feeling dizzy with anticipation, impatient to see what life has in store for me.
My hands brush over my blue shirt to smooth out its creases. I bend over to perfect my pink shoelaces. I wanted to look pretty for my last day. I certainly don't feel so.
Loneliness creeps through the few breaches I left in my fortress in hope that someone could reach out to me, as the beach clears out.
The water has now calmed to lazy waves, almost mocking me.
How ironic that a girl afraid of heights would end her life pitching herself off of a cliff.
I'm ready.
Leaning forward ever so slightly, I let myself go, arms wide open to embrace the cold blue beneath.
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