TWENTY-ONE
June 13th, 2015
It's the big day.
Pa and Cara haven't left my side once, though I keep telling them that I'm fine. What I actually feel is a mystery to even myself. Pa breaks down crying every ten minutes, and Cara's had to pat his shoulder and tell him that everything's going to be okay, every single time.
It's been seven minutes since his last break down, so I have three to calm myself down before he makes me cry with him. I feel like I should be feeling something, but I don't. My therapist says it's normal.
The doctors made me sign a document a few days ago, in which I agreed to receive chemotherapy. And that I would receive it knowing that it may not work. (Pa cried really hard when I signed it. He cries a lot.) Weirdly, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I finally signed it. I'd done all I needed to. My work was done. Everything was in their hands, now. For once, I didn't mind not being in control. In fact, I couldn't be happier. I can't blame myself for the outcome, now.
Lucy runs into my room and squeezes me as hard as she can, saying that I'm stronger than I know, and that I'm going to do just fine.
I don't know why everyone's making such a big deal out of this. I'm just going to be sitting in a room with a needle injected into me. And I'm going to repeat it who knows how many times. But I go along with it anyway.
"It's time," Olivia says, glancing at her watch and everyone slowly begins trailing out.
"I'm so proud of you," Pa whispers, placing a kiss on my head.
Lucy gives me a teary smile before leaving.
Soon it's just Luca and I, alone for the few seconds we have before the doctors arrive.
He opens his mouth like he's going to say something, but swallows instead. Neither of us say anything. The footsteps outside the door grow louder and the oncologists walk in. Alarm fills Luca's eyes and he opens his mouth again, fumbling to form words. Finally, he just nods at me, his gray eyes never leaving mine, before he turns around and walks away.
A blanket of loneliness falls over me.
I reach under my pillow to touch the Boy's letters one more time. I wonder what he'd say now.
The doctors have everything set up. Dr. Ray goes over the procedure one more time, reminding me of the side effects I'll experience. I nod vigorously, too nervous to pay much attention to her words. She laughs.
"Ready?"
There's no going back now. There never was.
There's no promise that this will be my miracle cure. There's no guarantee that I'll even make it to tomorrow. But I have a chance. As small as it may be, it's still there and that's all that matters. I'll make it to tomorrow. And the day after that. And after that.
I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear while I still can, and nod.
"I'm ready."
*
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