See the Stars with You | ✓

TEN | April 27th, 2015

TEN

-1 MONTH

April 27th, 2015

It's almost one a.m. when I drop my phone down onto my mattress again, fighting the urge to yank my hair out.

Letting my head rest in my open palms is a feeble attempt at escaping this infinite cycle that I'm caught in. I'm the only one to blame this time. Why do I do this? I'm not hurting just myself when I let myself go.

It's not supposed to be like this. It wasn't like this two years ago, and it wasn't like this a year ago. Heck, everything was alright six months ago. It was alright and it just blew up in my face.

I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired.

I need control, but the reins have been snatched out of my hands, now in the clutches of latex surgical gloves.

Nothing is within my control now. I do not choose to call Luca at ungodly hours everyday to scream at him, forcing my issues onto his shoulders. I do not choose to break off halfway, only to start crying, of all things, for no apparent reason, begging for forgiveness, trying to explain myself. Like I have the right to cry, ask for forgiveness, even. Goodness knows why, how, he puts up with me. I know I wouldn't if I were him.

I do not deserve him.

I stare at my phone. I do not deserve him one bit.

Especially with what's going on right now, he doesn't deserve this, either. I could finish it, as if it had never begun in the first place. Everything would be as it should be without me in the picture, photobombing a perfect scene.

Knowing Luca, he'd probably disagree, because that's who he is, an idiot. A naïve idiot who thinks everyone has a good side and that the world's all sunshine, rainbows and sprinkle-eating bunnies.

But he's wrong. If I had a good side to me, I wouldn't still be with him. I had months to break the news, instead choosing to be a coward and hide the truth deep within.

Now it's too late. The secret has become a part of me. Sharing it is out of the question.

My heart's steady beat is abandoned in favor of thumps against my ribs as I unlock my phone with a swirl of my finger over its dirty screen.

I should think this through, there's no point in rushing through only to repent later down the road.

True, but thinking it over will only make me chicken out after getting over this high I feel over a new idea turning over in my head.

Lesson 5: It is okay to ignore Lesson 2 when being excessively impulsive.

Absent-mindedly, my fingers dance over my phone screen, dialing his number out of habit. My thumb hovers over the green call button as I weigh out the pros and cons.

Pro: He'll stay away from me for at least a week before he resumes following me around like Mary's stupid lamb. He'll need some time to recover. He's always been like that. Maybe I shouldn't do this.

Con: I might be seriously overestimating his reaction, and he might end up not giving a damn. Which would hurt really bad.

Con #2: This could be a terrible, terrible idea, as established, and he might never speak to me ever again which would be very bad. I actually like him. A lot.

I skim through our last messages from over a month ago. We haven't really been texting recently. Or even talking, for that matter. I wonder if he feels it, too. I've been trying to give him some space, but I'm beginning to think that's the last thing I should be doing.