See the Stars with You | ✓

EIGHTEEN | 4th June, 2015

EIGHTEEN

June 4th, 2015

The Boy hadn't come to see me for over three days. I was worried that my bad kissing scared him away.

Olivia hadn't come that day, so I couldn't ask her if she knew anything. I was mad at him. Sure, maybe he was busy with lifeguard duty. But he did kiss me. He started it. Not me. Was he shy? I didn't think so. Worst case scenario, he'd realized that he'd made a mistake. I didn't want to think much about that.

Olivia finally came back. It was weird being happy to see her. I asked her if she knew what the Boy was up to, and if he needed adult supervision.

She didn't respond. I repeated my question, trying to fight down the dread creeping up on me because her hands were shaking and her eyes were glassy.

"What happened?" I demand. Why wasn't anyone telling me anything?

"You don't know?" she said softly. My hair rose on my arms as I prepared myself for the worst.

*

The Boy took his life on May 31st, 2015.

*

Everything was a lie. Everything was reduced to ashes and dust.

All those minutes I spent waiting, blissfully unaware, wasted.

How could I have been so stupid, so oblivious? Why was I so self absorbed to see what was there all along, right there in front of me?

*

Why didn't I see it coming? Couldn't I have seen the signs?

Were there any signs? Reality blends with my imagination as my mind conjures up scenes that I'm not sure really happened. Why would he do this? Why would he drop this on me, with no warning, or care for what this would do to everyone who knew him? He had no right to take his own life, when he was a part of so many others'.

He was a liar. How dare he pretend to be okay, when all that must've been going through his mind was ending himself? Why didn't he say anything? All this time, he acted as if he had no cares in the world. He was happy. Why did he lie?

He never lied. I just never asked.

Did he think about us as he stood overlooking the sea? Did he care about what it would do to us? What was racing through his mind as the ocean drew nearer, with the wind roaring in his ears, and his heart in his throat, everything building up to the second he crashed against the rock-hard waves? Did he scream so loud he couldn't hear anything else?

Did he regret it the moment he stepped off the ledge?

*

Denial was the only thing I could comprehend. I kept telling Olivia that it wasn't him, that it couldn't have been him. I tried to explain to her that she was talking about the wrong person. But she kept nodding and telling me that it was okay even though I just wanted her to stop and tell me that I was right and that it wasn't him after all. Because it made no sense. He couldn't be gone. Why would he do this to himself?

He had everything.

He had nothing to worry about. He was happy. He had the perfect life, so why? Why would this wonderful, happy boy choose to just leave?

Olivia got up to give me some space. Her retreating footsteps stomped into my heart. I didn't want her to leave, too, but I couldn't bring myself to ask her to stay. My voice had deserted me though I was screaming two seconds ago. I curled into a ball, wondering why I felt nothing. How could I feel so numb knowing that he was gone? I'd never see him again. I could never hear his laugh or feel his fingers entwined in mine again.

And suddenly, it hurt. It hurt so much, because I'd never even know why. Why did he choose this? What was so bad that he wanted to end it all? And he wasn't there to tell me why. I couldn't ask him why he did it.

It was too late. I'd never see him again.

*

He wouldn't have left me if he'd actually cared for me. Maybe it was all a lie. He was playing pretend the whole time. I didn't know him at all, and it was a mask I'd fallen in love with.

What was he thinking about when he stood over the sea?

*