Shadow Rider (Vampire Academy Fanfic)

Chapter 57 - Thanatia

I woke up in pain. Every single part of me was aching terribly, and there was a strain at the central part of my chest that felt incredibly fragile, like I would break if I moved an inch. So I didn't. I remained paralysed in bed, trying to flex my fingers and toes, that vibrated with the inflow of blood. My eyes, after several attempts, finally, painfully, flickered open, but the brightness of the room nearly blinded me, causing me to instantly shut them again.

I inhaled deeply, taking several more deep, filling breaths, trying to centre myself, but with every breath my entire chest and stomach stung, like a million needles were piercing me at once.

'Easy,' murmured a velvet voice, and my first reaction was of delight at recognising Casimir. I opened my eyes and joyously gazed upon his countenance, as if traced in gold. But then the smile promptly fell apart, as did my joy. Memory came crashing back into me, like violent waves of the sea bursting against jagged rocks in a storm. Pain blasted me in the chest. With a groan I shut my eyes, and whimpered mournfully.

The first truth formed, as if written in blood, and both my heart rate and breath picked up before I could help it. But I still had to ask, because inevitably, in the realm of ignorance, there is always that little trace of wavering hope.

'Ash?' I whispered in inquiry to Cas, who was watching my warring emotions with an intensity laced with deep worry and sorrow.

His eyes filled with regret, and his lips whitened, as if unwilling to open and utter the forbidden words. So he just gave an imperceptible nod of his head, casting his eyes down, like he was afraid of being the bearer of such heartbreaking news.

I swallowed painfully, and felt my vision blur from unshed tears. The truth took its final shape.

I would never see Ash again.

I would never see his carefree, playful smile. Never see his heated grey gaze, not his strong, youthful form, his energetic movements, his aristocratic paleness. No. I would never see him. Nor would I hear his excitable, running commentary, his joking and flirting, his humoring laugh.

Neither would I touch him. Feel that fiery heat, that marble skin, his soft, silky hair, and the calloused bumps on his palms. And that was the most dreadful of all. Because only touch truly renders something real. Only touch breaches the divide between what is seen, which could only be imagined, and that tingling sensation of touch - that point where our body reacts from its encounter to the estranged. And Ash had been that - and from that he had become something entirely known - someone I could call my own. Someone I had given myself to, with no expectation of reciprocity.

Ash had been stolen from the earth by a means decidedly unnatural - unorthodox, even. He had been taken in the last moment of victory. We'd been so close, so close to that final happiness, that relief from constant struggle and fear, only to be defeated within a second. A second. A second was all it took to snuff out such a powerful, impactful existence. Ash had become a part of my world, and now that world, before it had its chance to fully form, had ceased to exist. Like that, he was gone, and a pain more severe than the physical one I now felt claimed my body. My heart writhed in agony, like it was destroying itself from inside out.

Casimir must have been trying to reach through to me while I underwent what was appearing to be an anxiety attack; I was hyperventilating, cold-sweating, and shaking, and at the same time my injuries burned like fire.

'Natia! Natia!' Casimir's panicked voice penetrated my storm, and I saw his brow crease with concentration - no doubt he was trying to heal me, but nothing came of it. Normally, when Casimir maximised his power, injuries disappeared within mere seconds. But now? Nothing. All I felt was a slight stir of calm try to battle away my agitated reaction. Casimir stared at his hands, his eyes clouding with anger and vehemence.

I shook my head violently. 'Cas - stop!' I tried to lift my hand to shake his, but I was far too weak for even that. So I settled for poking his abdomen, hard as I could. 'You need to stop. You can't wield anymore. You've exhausted your powers lately. Just stop.'

Cas stared at me. 'It's been days,' he said, his voice low and stale.

'Days?' I echoed, confused. Then it sunk in. 'Days!' I repeated, aghast. 'Wh-what - what about - Ash's...funeral.' The words came haltingly out of my mouth.

'Don't worry. We persuaded his mom and sisters to wait. Not that they needed much persuading.'

I groaned, a fresh dagger piercing my chest. 'His mom.' What twisted circumstances to meet your boyfriend's mom in.

'Yes...and seeing as you're finally awake, I'll inform them that the funeral can be held today.' Casimir hesitated, watching for my reaction. 'If you're ready, that is,' he amended. I winced at that. How could I ever be ready? How could I be ready to let go of the guy that every fibre of my being was refusing to let go?

'Awake...' I remembered vaguely what I'd been told on our first day here. It felt like ages ago. That royal Moroi - Adrian, was he called? - had told me that Rose had come back from the dead, miraculously recovered from her gunshot wound. I glanced down at my body, swathed in layers and layers of bandage, my arms and even my face pierced with needles, hooked up to tubes. I felt as if on my deathbed. No - I felt as if I should be dead. Period. And yet I wasn't. I shuddered. 'I shouldn't be awake,' I whispered weakly.

Casimir grasped my wrist in alarm, as if my words had sounded like a threat. His skin was lightly tanned again - he must have been out in the sun lately. And yet there were dark circles under his eyes - eyes tinged pink with sleeplessness.

'I didn't think you'd come back,' he murmured, his eyes unfocused. 'Didn't think you'd wake up again...'

'How long was I...gone?' I inquired delicately, refraining from using the word "dead," even if that must have been the state I had been in. Or had I been? Maybe I had been on that very brink between life and death, in the otherworld even, granted by Casimir's first gift yet another consecutive one - to choose which way to go, when I met death once more.

'Five days,' he replied, tightening his grip on my wrist. I made a sound of protest, so Casimir hastily wrapped his hand around mine instead. 'We knew that you were back with us three days ago, and yet you didn't wake. Rose and Vasilisa insisted that it was just a matter of time, but I didn't dare hope.'

I shut my eyes with regret. I had given the choice up to my unconsciousness, and look where that had gotten me. I was alive, forced to endure the misery of life - what remained of it - instead of-

'Cas!' I started, turning my head toward him in alarm. I stared at him. At first he appeared confused, but then comprehension began to fill his eyes too.

'Yes-' Cas replied, opening his mouth to speak.

'Stop,' I warned, thinking that I really wasn't ready for another life-altering revelation. And yet it was obvious. A second truth. As I normally did when I was in a distressing or gloomy situation, I sought repose from Casimir. I'd done that now too, automatically, instinctively, only to find a...void. An emptiness. Nothingness. Solitude. I expanded my mind, seeking, following our connection, and yet...there was nowhere to go, nothing to be found. My heartrate picked up again, trying to divine some explanation from Casimir, but even he looked puzzled, and more than a little curious.

'What's going on?' I demanded, afraid.

'I think what happe-'

'Nothing happened! This isn't you, right?' My words blurred from how fast I was speaking. 'This is just me, right? It's only temporary. The connection is just numb from recent...events,' I insisted, desperately trying to reassure myself.

Cas sighed. 'Rose said-'

'I don't care what she said!' I exploded, my throat clenching from the strain. 'Nothing's happened!' I screamed, feeling my heart flutter like a bird in flight. 'Nothing at all has happened!' I looked wildly around me. 'I want Ash back! Bring him back! Now!' And on and on it went. The yelling certainties replaced the crushing truths that had taken form in my mind. But right now I couldn't handle them. It was all too fresh. I'd just come back, to a world that was collapsing all around me. I wanted escape, I wanted a retry. But there would be none. Eventually the nurses burst into the room and hustled Casimir out of there and into safety - god knows I could have hurt him in my frenzy, injuries or no. They tried to restrain me at first, but realising they were doing more damage than good, they gave me a shot of something and left me to it, until I finally exhausted myself and passed out.