Shadow Rider (Vampire Academy Fanfic)

Chapter 7 - Thanatia

I didn't particularly like being dragged out of a room like a naughty child, but if it meant spending some quality time with Casimir, it was worth it. He ended up taking us to our room where we had dumped our things before meeting the Queen earlier in the morning. While Casimir had gone for some socialising time with the Ivashkov lord, I had come by here to unpack our bags. The place was now neatly organised in accordance to my main priority aspects: escape and defence.

I plopped down on the bed while Casimir stood by the wall, leaning his back against it. He studied me for several moments, and it was a small effort to stay out of his head. In situations like these, he preferred that I didn't know what he had to say before he had formulated his thoughts sufficiently. I waited patiently, and was happy to realise that some of the darkness that had spurred me into blind action had faded. What was left was a warring confusion, and above all, guilt at having ruined any progress between Casimir and his spirit using associates. 

We had come here to strengthen these people in a time of desperate fear and need. We'd come here to be the pillar-stones that held their Royal Court together. We had to appear level-headed, capable, dependable. Casimir was capable of all that, I knew. The question remained – no matter how much I tried – If I was. I couldn't lapse into one of my unhinged episodes at such a pivotal time. I couldn't damage Casimir's reputation. 

'Thanatia...' he began, and I was astonished to hear the pain packed into that one word. His eyes regarded me levelly, but I could see the tension in the hard, jutting cheekbone and jawbone. 'What happened back there? You lost it.' 

I sighed, not at all liking the truth in his admission. 'I'm not sure.' I frowned, trying to put words to what had happened. Casimir always said that truthful communication between us was of grave importance. I knew he was right, but that didn't make it any easier. 'I felt your pain like a stab in my heart. Then I was flooded with those memories, the images of what happened. They blinded me. I don't even recall running across the court to find you, I don't remember bursting through the room.' I looked at him pleadingly, willing him to understand.

He crossed the room in two steps, coming to stand just in front of me. He loomed protectively over my head, his one hand reaching down to clasp mine. He gripped tightly, like he was trying to force me to hold on. 

'I know. It was the darkness, Thanatia,' he said, eyes tinged with worry. I hated to see him like that, and I squeezed his hand, straightening my spine in a show of confidence. 'It's so unpredictable,' he continued. 'This wasn't even so bad. It was just a memory. I've had worse moments than this, we both know that. Yet in those times you were fine, you kept it together.'

I tugged at his hand, urging him to sit down next to me. I gazed into his eyes, and was content. 'Yes, it's unpredictable. And it's been a while since I've been able to, you know, let it out. I think... that's what I need. It's pent up inside me. I've got to do something.' I nudged forward on the bed, a burst of energy surging through me. 'You said there were Strigoi in this area, right? I could contact the council. They'd give me permission –'

'Thanatia,' Casimir interrupted, 'you're not going on a solo Strigoi hunt trip!'

I stared at him, dumbfounded. 'Why not?' 

'Because we've got more important things to do here.'