Shadow Rider (Vampire Academy Fanfic)

Chapter 60 - Rose

'What the hell are you talking about, Rose?' Natia asked, her voice low and menacing, her features pinched with suspicion and contempt. Her dark eyes, slitted now, met mine unwaveringly.

This was about the reaction I had expected from her - especially if one considered my request.

'You have to leave the Court,' I repeated, voice firm and calm. I put my hands on my hips for extra emphasis, which she noted with a quick flash of her eyes.

'I can't.'

I looked at her incredulously. 'What do you mean "can't"? Are you twelve?' I tried to push past her into her room, but she blocked the doorway with her broad shoulders. Still, compared to how she normally looked, Natia nowadays looked downright scrawny. I took a step closer.

'I can't,' she insisted. 'And I don't want to, anyway. Leave me alone, Rose. This is the final warning.'

I raised an eyebrow at her. 'Yeah? What're you gonna do?' I did shove her aside this time, and noted that her resistance was pretty weak. Jesus, no eating, no exercise... it was as if she was fading from this world.

I tore my gaze away from her, glancing around myself. The curtains were drawn, blocking out the world outside, and her floor was strewn with dirty clothing. The TV was on, she must've been watching a TV show or something, but her glass table was broken, smashed to pieces, and one of the chairs had been thrown at the wall. I picked up a grey hoodie from the couch, recognising the print. It had belonged to Ash.

I turned towards Natia, my voice tight with emotion.

'You can't keep doing this, Natia. You can't keep holding on to him. You have to let him go...'

Natia stiffened, her jaw hardening, her eyes going unfocused. 'I don't want to talk about that.'

I folded the hoodie carefully, setting it back down on the couch. 'You don't have a choice. I'm not gonna let you keep doing this to yourself. Not anymore. You've had enough time. You've gotta pull yourself together.'

Natia narrowed her eyes. 'You don't get to tell me what to do.'

'Yes I do!' I burst out, searching her eyes desperately for some part of her old self. 'He's gone, Natia! He's gone. And he didn't sacrifice himself just so you would join him! He died for you, Natia. Now get yourself together and honour his sacrifice. Or do you want him to have died for nothing?!' I realised my voice had been steadily rising, until I was shouting at her. With every word her mean countenance wavered, until it shattered completely. Her eyes filled with tears, and her gaze fell. Her hand shook as she tried to move her dirty hair out of her face. She looked so broken; my heart ached for her.

I tried again, in a gentler voice this time. 'Natia, I'm sorry. Look, let's-'

Natia interrupted me, an agonised growl tearing from her throat. 'I loved him, Rose!' she wailed, her eyes now streaming, her voice so hoarse and despairing. Her entire countenance fell apart. The contempt and suspicion and irritation was gone; only a deeply hurt soul remained.

I hurried forward, putting my arms around her. 'I know, Natia.' I took a deep breath, centering myself. 'Trust me...I know. But you can't stay here, anymore! You have to get out of here, you have to fight your way out of this gloomy hole, or it'll be the end of you.'

'What am I supposed to do?' she cried, staring at me in confusion, searching my eyes for some divine help. 'I can't go out there. The darkness, the ghosts...I can't. Can't fight it anymore.'

I shook my head at her sadly. 'Natia...don't you remember? It's all gone. There is no darkness anymore.' I paused, and she genuinely looked like she had buried the whole bond thing somewhere deep within her, where it couldn't reach her. I relentlessly went on. 'There is no otherworld. There's no ghosts, no anger, no insanity. You are free Natia. Free to finally be yourself! To find a way back to who you are, to become your own person. Don't you want that?'

She was beginning to shut down again, avoiding my gaze, but I grabbed her wrists, searching her eyes again.

'I can't do it, Rose,' she whispered, her voice fading. 'Casimir will go insane. He'll kill himself. He'll never accomplish all that he wants to do. He wants to save the whole world, and now he can't. All because of me...'

I shook her. 'That's not true!' I insisted.

'How do you know?' Natia suddenly challenged, her eyes flashing.

'I know because - look at me, Natia. Look at me and Lissa. Lissa is the Queen of the Moroi world, for God's sake! And I'm her guardian. Yes, it takes some sacrifice, it takes some compromise. But that's just...life. It's life. We're adults. You have to accept that, nothing is perfect. Casimir can't save the whole world - it's impossible. But if we all work together, if we help each other, maybe we can help the world a little bit. We already have. It has to be good enough. We can't do more than that. We're not superheroes, Natia.'

Natia stared at the ground stubbornly, as if she was searching more arguments to defy me with. Even that was an improvement from how she'd been. I loosened my hold on her arms, just a trifle.

'What do I do?' she demanded. 'Where do I go? And why would it help me, at all?' she stared at me openly. She was giving me this one shot to convince her.

I took a deep breath. 'Do what I did. When I lost Dimitri...I left the Academy. I went travelling in Russia. Obviously I had an end-goal in mind but...still. It did help a lot. I think you need something like that. Take Shadow and leave the Court. Leave all of us, leave everything that reminds you of...him. Just let yourself heal, let yourself experience something new. Let the life of the moment, of the now, consume you. It will do you good. I promise.'

Natia shut her eyes tight, her features taking on that determined look that was so characteristic of her. I held my breath, hoping beyond hope that she would take me up on the challenge. Minutes passed, and I was starting to give up-

'Fine,' she snapped. I had to swallow a whoop of delight. 'Fine. I'll do it. I'll humour you, Rose. I'll go out adventuring, wasting my time probably. But I suppose it's better than wasting the Court's resources. I'll go...' she held up a finger. 'But on one condition.'

I hesitated. 'Uh - what condition?'

She steeled herself, channeling some of her inner strength. 'If I do this...I'll do it properly. I'll leave. I don't want anyone to contact me, to wonder where I am or what I'm doing. If I'm sane or if I'm safe. You'll just have to trust that I'll be okay.' She met my eyes. 'Do you trust me?'

I nodded slowly. It wasn't ideal, and I knew Casimir would give me hell for this, but I understood her point of view. I knew she needed this. I nodded, reaching a hand forward. She shook it.

'Natia...don't look back. But please - please stay out of trouble. I'll miss you.'

She hugged me, packed a backpack of essentials, said a somber goodbye...and then she was gone.