Shadow Rider (Vampire Academy Fanfic)

Chapter 58 - Rose

'Calm down, Cas. What's going on?'

Casimir, in a very definite state of distress, had tracked me down to Ambrose's room, where I had sat down to talk a little with Mia. She'd been pretty beat up after the battle, but Ambrose had been severely injured and had undergone surgery. He'd been awake earlier, and Mia had talked to him, but once Ambrose had fallen asleep again, Mia had wasted no time in confiding her worries to me.

And now on to the next.

'Rose - I don't think Natia has recovered. She's-'

I cut him off. 'Casimir - you've gotta give her time.'

'But-'

'She's been through way too much to be able to be rational right now. Just let her rest.'

Casimir looked like was about to explode from unease and impatience, but he noticeably reigned it in. His features hardened into stone, and he left abruptly.

~

The coming days were hard to bear. So much grief and mourning were taking place at the Court, it was as if a heavy blanket had fallen on the entire place. A collective memorial was held for all the fallen, whilst private funerals kept being held for all individuals who'd been loved by family, friends and colleagues.

Dimitri and I attended many of these funerals, and one of them was Ash's.

Throughout his time at the Court, Ash had made loads of friends and acquaintances, and his family had allowed them all to attend the funeral, so quite a big crowd had gathered around the polished marble gravestone and the slick black coffin wherein he slept.

It was a misty night. Heavy rainfall had fallen throughout the entire day, and the whole world seemed washed in grey. Dimitri and I were dressed in black dress pants and blazers, accompanied by Mia and several others.

All of us were silent. Nobody could do anything else but stand with their hands folded, their heads lowered, as if heavy-laden with the burden of loss.

Ash's mother and sisters stood huddled together by the head-end of his coffin, crying openly. His mother looked as if she could barely stand on her feet; the sisters were the only ones keeping her upright. Ash had been the only male figure in the family, and his absence felt like a gaping hole. It was heartbreaking to see. The idea of recovery seemed completely impossible. Hopeless.

At the sight of them my heart and eyes stung; I had to bite down hard to keep silent. I pressed Dimitri's hand, and he pulled me closer to him.

But if the sight of Ash's family was pitiful, it was nothing in comparison to Thanatia.

She stood some distance away from the rest of us, and Casimir stood about a metre away from her. They'd arrived at the same time, but clearly not together. Natia's hair was for once unbraided - completely unkept. It hung in straight strands around her face, shadowing her features. Her eyes, rimmed in red and purple, registered no expression whatsoever. She wore a heavy black robe today, her hands clasped at the front. Not once did she move, not even an inch.

Her gaze was firmly and unwaveringly fixed on Ash's coffin. Casimir's gaze, on the other hand, was firmly fixed on her. A permanent worried frown seemed to have settled on his features, and yet Natia refused to acknowledge him.

Once the priest had finished his recitals, he ventured to ask for a word from Ash's family. His mother managed a stammering, halting speech commemorating her son, his sisters followed suit, and even some of his closest friends added a few words. The priest wisely refrained from approaching Natia at all.

Time passed, the coffin was lowered into the grave, and Dimitri, myself, and a couple more guardians stepped forward to cover the grave with its dug-up soil. We worked silently and mechanically, and one by one, all mourners stepped forward to place their flowers and bouquets on the fresh grave. Many remained by the grave, even when the priest and most of the attendants retired back to Court. Those of us left either mourned silently or preyed on our knees. Eventually even Ash's family rose up from the ground, and I found it was time for me to go.

I cast a final, hesitant look at Natia. Her expression and demeanor hadn't changed at all - in a way she almost looked calm. Or at least, very patient.

I couldn't even imagine what thoughts churned unwitnessed inside that tortured mind of hers. I wanted to approach her - but how? What could I say, what could I do, to make any difference? In the end I decided that solitude was possibly exactly what she craved right now. She didn't want to put her emotions on display for anyone. It was between her and Ash.

I met Casimir's eyes, and made a motion that Dimitri and I were about to leave. Casimir cast Natia a last, despairing glance, before leaving the scene with us.

~

It would be the beginning of a very depressive new period at Court. We'd won the battle, but there really was nothing to feel happy about.

This depressive air manifested particularly strongly in Thanatia. I would venture to say that she fell into a deep depression altogether, although nobody openly acknowledged it.

She'd been a private person before, but she had always been seen here and there, doing this and that, always in motion, always energetic and dynamic. Now...nobody ever saw her anymore. I expected this for the first week, thinking it was normal. But more weeks kept passing. Eventually, a month passed too. Natia refused to leave her room, refused any visits, refused to be seen altogether. She didn't appear to be eating either. Only once did we get a glimpse of her, and that was when Ash's family offered her to keep one of his belongings. She'd appeared pale and empty, like a ghost, devoid of emotion, and beneath her billowing cloaks I expected her body had thinned considerably.

Natia had come back from the dead only to grieve herself back to a slow death. I tried everything in my power to penetrate that fog of consuming sadness, Casimir did too, but it was as if whatever we said and did passed right through her.

Of course, I knew what had happened to her. I knew what dying and coming back had done to her connection to Casimir. It had severed it, and she was acting like it hadn't happened. Casimir had told me, but never once had he spoken about it with Natia.

Ever since their bond was formed, Natia had lived a half life. She'd lived for Casimir. She'd devoted her entire life, her entire mind, to him. To suddenly find that part of her completely gone - well, I could understand the level of trauma involved there.

For me, it had been different. I had always wanted to be free of my connection to Lissa, even though I knew exactly just how efficient a guardian it had made me. Natia on the other hand, had never wanted that. She'd been happy and proud and dependent on her connection to Casimir, and to have that connection gone...well, it had to feel like losing a limb.

But even though I understood her grief and trauma, even though I knew that she needed time on her own, solitude to find herself again, to become her own person, this wasn't the time. Ash's death had overshadowed everything. She couldn't find a reason to live now. She just wanted to be gone.

As the second month passed, I knew I had to do something. If she was ignoring all help we offered her, if she was refusing to help herself - what else could we do about her? I decided there was really only one last thing I could try.

I had to kick her out of the Court.