One day at a time..

Chapter 1: Where is he?

Where is the remote? I slide my hands along the couch and into the cushions trying to find it. Chico is asleep in my lap so I feel bad making him move for me to find the remote. I finally give up and lay back, getting comfortable. Chico stirs, but only long enough to burrow his nose further under my arm and he presses his body tighter against me. 3:58. Two minutes until something else comes on the tv. Hopefully it isn't anything too bad since I can't change it.

The clock finally hits 4 and a different show came on. Shit. SHIT!! The Simpons comes on which was not what I was expecting. His favorite show... I quickly push Chico off of my lap to get up and shut off the TV. I'm not even going to waste my time looking for anything else to watch. Luckily, no one else is home. Mom is at the doctors and Dad went shopping.

I slowly sink to the ground and put my head in my hands. Why? Why does every good day turn into this? Every time I decide I'm doing better, things just get worse. There is always something that reminds me of him.

Taking a deep breath, I stand up walk into my room. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I grab my MacBook. Placing it in my lap, I log onto my YouTube account. I type CTFxC into the search bar. My finger hovers over the enter button... Stop Alli! What are you doing?

I don't care what he's doing. I don't. But why do I feel the need to watch his vlogs and see what he is up to? I used to be part of those vlogs. I know I shouldn't care but I do.

We were fighting. We both came to the conclusion that it just wouldn't work. After I found out he'd been seeing someone else behind my back, I packed up my stuff, put Chico in the car, and drove to my parents' house. I know he was only seeing this girl because we had been fighting all the time but he technically cheated.

I had been packing for a few days but I couldn't stand it. I needed to get out of there. I couldn't trust Charles anymore. So why does this hurt so bad.

I could've fought for us. I could've. Why didn't I???

Because he didn't. That's why. He just wanted it to end so I let it. I know it's because he's stubborn and hard headed but I could've pushed him to fight for us. If I would've just pushed it...

I can't do this. I grab my keys and grab Chico a rawhide bone. "Be good!" I yell to him before leaving.

Once in my car, I just start driving. I'm not sure of my exact location but somewhere far away from Sarasota. I just need to think and long drives always help me relax.

I lean forward and turn on the radio. The last few words of Miley Cyrus's song "We Can't Stop" flow out of the speakers. What possessed that girl to write such a horrible song? That's when I hear it. The all too familiar chords of a song I have heard in concert so many times. The chords I have heard coming from the living room, or the dining room, or even the bedroom of my old house being played on the bass. And the words begin... "I'm all alone. Holding on to memories while you're moving on..."

I feel a tear start to fall and pull over to the side of the road. "Let me take you back to when we first said goodbye, cause I need you..." Travis's voice continues and that's when I lose it. I slam my head onto the steering wheel as the song continues "I try because all that I can do is hope that love's enough..."

He's everywhere. In every song. In the shows that come on tv. In my memories. Charles will forever be a part of my life. But why wasn't love enough? Could it have been? Why do I do this to myself?

Right now he is out on tour and his gorgeous blonde new girl, Allie, is probably with him doing all the things that we used to do. I shouldn't care. But I do.

Will I ever be able to move on?