One day at a time..

Chapter 9: Moving on?

It's been a week since I have talked to Charles. I no longer feel empty inside every time I think about him.

He has called me three times, left me two voicemails, and even texted me twice.

It's time I move on. The man I loved, loves another woman. He defended her over me. Why would I sympathize for the man that called me a trashy drunk? Any hope I once held for getting back together with Charles is fading fast.

I suddenly decide I want to do something stupid. I sit on my bed and pull my MacBook into my lap. Clicking on the search bar on YouTube, I type "CTFxC Day 1". I watch our first day, and then our second, then our third, and so on. I expected to be crying but these days, I am all out of tears. Instead, I remind myself of what he threw away for this new Allie. I tell myself I don't deserve this shit and it is time to move on. It was amazing while it lasted but nothing lasts forever.

Vidcon is coming up in a few weeks and I need to start packing. But before I get to do so, I click on Charles' announcement about the divorce on the CTFxC channel. I watch the video three times while I sit there numb. I have seen the vlog about a thousand times. But this time it hits home. We really are never going to get another shot. Instead of feeling pain, or even feeling empty, I just feel numb.

"Alli, sweetie." I see my mom standing in the doorway, staring at me. "Are you alright."

"Yeah, Mom..." I sigh, "I just... I..."

"You just miss Charles," she says with a sad look in her eyes. She walks over and sits beside me.

"Yeah, Mom." I say and feel a tear run down my cheek.

"Al, I want you to be happy, I know you miss him, but it's time to take care of yourself instead of focusing on him."

I know she's right but I can't help it. She stands, kisses my forehead, and walks out of the room.

I flashback to the day he let me know he was telling people why I left... Of course he didn't tell them he cheated, just that we weren't getting along. Which was true, but it wasn't the whole truth. No matter how many times he proves he is not the same man I fell in love with, I can't let him go. People change, they make mistakes. But it's different with Charles. He really is not the same man I was with for over 6 years...

I decide to look up the schedule for Warped Tour. Then I watch a few of his recent vlogs, only to discover that Allie is flying home in a few days. Which means Charles will be alone.

I quickly hatch a plan to fly out to one of his shows so that we can talk face to face. This is not some brilliant plan to win him back. I am just going to lay the facts out in front of him and sort this shit out. He has no right to bash me on the internet. I don't give a fuck how much he hates me, how he feels about me, or even how he talks about me in private... just keep it that way. Just keep in private.

I need to put him in his place. And it is finally going to happen. I am just going to settle things with hopes that we can remain pleasant with each other. 20 minutes later, I have bought a ticket for Warped Tour, and a plane ticket. I will be flying out to Boston in four days.

But why am I suddenly nervous to see him? It's like an anxious, excited kinda nervous. For the first time in over six months, I am going to see the man I love in person. But only to let him go so that I can move on.

Then it hits me. Boston. I'm flying out to Boston. I've been there many times before. Once to see him play, but most of the other times were for his brain surgery. There's so many memories left in Boston just waiting to destroy me. That's when we both loved each other with all of our hearts. Back when we were each other's rocks. Back when he told me he couldn't live without. Back where I was worried I would never see him again because he wouldn't make it out of surgery. But mostly, back where the man I love, remained the man I love due to the amazing surgeons that gave him the opportunity to continue living.

I feel broken inside, once again. This really isn't the place to see him after so long. But I am not one to chicken out. So I guess I'm going to Boston!