One day at a time..

Chapter 3: Music Therapy?

I sit up and wipe my eyes. I hear my phone ringing. And I can't quite figure out where the ringing is coming from. Oh... My phone is in my pocket.

"Hello?" I say trying to keep my voice steady.

"Alli? Are you okay?" I hear Christine's voice on the other end.

Christine? I wonder why she's calling. I haven't seen her in awhile. "Yeah, I'm good. What's up?"

"Are you doing anything? I'm in town and I wanted to know if maybe you'd like to go get a late lunch with me and Eric?" she says and her voice is hopeful.

I hesitate. "Uhhh... Sure?" I pull down the visor above me to look in the mirror. "Let's make it dinner." I add after deciding I need time to calm down and fix myself up.

"Sure." she says, I can almost hear her smile. "Do you wanna meet somewhere or should I come to your house?"

"Well, I'm at my mom's..." I say quietly.

"Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I knew Charles was on tour so I didn't know if you were at the house taking care of the girls.." she says slowly.

Zoe Zoe and Mar Mar. My heart clenches. Goodness, I miss them. I miss that house, everything (and everyone) in it. "No. No, I'm at my mom's. Let's meet somewhere. Smokey Bones?"

Christine hesitates and I know I'm going to get questioned later. "Sure. Around 6?"

"Yeah. See you then." I say and hang up the phone, not even bothering to say goodbye.

I take a deep breath and wipe the eye liner from the bottom of my eyes. Looking in the mirror I notice that the circles under my eyes have gotten darker, along with my eyes being red and swollen. I sniffle before pulling my short brown hair into a pony tail. I've never been an insecure girl but my hair is stringy and is an ugly brown color. My blue eyes look almost green from crying. I sigh and wonder what Charles ever saw in me. I wonder if I've always been this much of a mess?

I suddenly realized that somehow I had turned the radio off. Probably in my fit of rage after listening to "Find You There" by We The Kings.

I look over my shoulder and pull back on the road. Turning around, I head back to my parents' house. I open the garage and walk into the house after parking my car in the driveway. "Chico Pico!" I yell as I walk in.

My foot hits something and I look down to see the leg of one of the kitchen chairs was destroyed. He must of chewed it up because he was mad that I got up and left him. My mom is going to kill me.

Sighing, I kneel down and begin to pick up the wooden pieces all over the floor. I feel a warm tongue on my face and smile as I'm tackled by a giant white fur ball. Smiling, I lean back on my heels to get more comfortable. I pet my boy deciding to forgive him because it was my fault anyway.

I love Chico, I really do. And I thank myself everyday for stopping to pick him up, but sitting here with him like this makes me realize how much I miss the girls. I know Zoey and Marley were Charles' babies but I'll never stop loving them. They were in my life for over 6 years. They'll always be as much of a part of me as Charles will.

I take a deep breath as Chico lays in my lap, flipping over for me to rub his belly. I rub my forehead with my free hand and wonder if and when things are going to get easier. I close my eyes as I continue to pet Chico. I still hear Char's laugh and I think of how he acted like a little kid. I used to scold him and act like it bothered me but there was nothing I loved more than my carefree Charles. I see his smile in my mind. Snapping my eyes open, I pray for an easier day tomorrow. Things should be getting better but the happy days are becoming fewer and far between.

Pushing Chico off my lap, I finish picking up the wooden pieces. I throw them in the garbage before wandering into my bedroom. Standing in the doorway, I smile as I remember the many nights that Char and I spent here when we were still living in the apartment in Tampa. In my mind, I see him laying on the bed with me in his arms. What I wouldn't give to go back to those happy days...

I grab a nice shirt and a pair of light skinny jeans. Heading into the bathroom, I strip down and stare into the mirror. What would a guy like Charles ever see in me? I'm skinny, too skinny. I have abs, but that is about the only place I'm built. My hip bones stick out and I can see a few of my ribs. But then I remember that I wasn't always this way. I just haven't eaten well since Char left.

Wait... Since I left Char. Well, whatever. He left me by sleeping with Allie. Or having a relationship with her. Whatever it was.

I decide maybe a hot shower will help and about an hour later, I'm standing in front of the mirror in my room, ready to go. Shit! It's 5:45. I'm going to be late!

I rush to the restaurant as fast as I can. Pulling into a parking spot, I check the dashboard. 6:02. Phew! Not too late. Then I make the mistake of turning on the radio. I skip over to whatever CD is in the car so I dont risk hearing something on the radio.

*I'm here* I text Christine

She responds almost instantly.
*Damn. We're running late. We'll be there in 15. Get us a table?*

*Sure. See you soon!*

Just then I lean forward to turn up the radio. Big mistake. I realize I must not have changed the CD since I was with Charles. I hear "Just Keep Breathing" playing through the speakers. I feel a smile creep across my face as I remember that this was our song when he was recovering from his brain surgery. I get through the whole song without breaking down. I feel a pang in my chest and I realize it's because I miss Char. But I deal with the pain of missing him everyday.

I smile as I realize this must mean I'm moving in the right direction. I turn the car off and drop the keys into my purse. I check myself in the mirror on the visor one last time.

Walking into the restaurant, I am greeted my a bubbly blonde girl with a large smile. "How can I help you?"

I stop in my tracks as I realize she looks like Allie. I've watched a couple of Charles' vlogs with her in them to know that's also what she sounds like. Feeling like the wind was knocked out of me, I glance at her name tag. "Katelyn". I sigh and snap myself out of this. Now I'm seeing Char's new Allie everywhere I go?

"Ma'am? Are you alright?" Katelyn asks as her smile fades.

"What? Yeah. Um how long will the wait be?" I ask, obviously distracted.

She smiles at me, "For how many?"

"Three." I quickly say as I realize I'm the third wheel.

"About 15 minutes. What name would you like to use?" Bubbly Katelyn replies.

I keep thinking about Charles and how he's probably walking off stage right now and kissing Allie like he used to do when I was on tour with him. I feel a pain in my stomach. Jealousy? I'm old news. The old Alli. Some fans even referred to me as the old Alli. Although, I'm not gonna lie, it feels good when some people say they prefer me over Allie and that Charles and I are meant to be. But Allie doesn't deserve the hate. She isn't at fault here.

"Hello?" Katelyn/Allie snaps me out of my thoughts.

I sigh, "Hmmm?"

"Name, please?"

"Alli Trippy. Uhhh... Speed. Alli Speed." I say, feeling myself blush.

"Alli Speed?" Katelyn still sounds happy. Her attitude makes me want to throw up. How can some people be so happy when my world is falling apart and my ground is crumbling beneath my feet?

"Yes, thank you." I force a smile.

How do I still do that? I changed my name back to Speed a few months ago. Yet I still make the mistake of tying myself to Charles by thinking I'm his wife and we share a last name.

Sighing, I sit down and wait for Christine to arrive. I know she is going to try and support me while treating me like a wounded animal. I know she means well but it hurts my pride. But the truth is, I am more broken down than a wounded animal. Things will get easier, I know they will. I just have to take this one day at a time.