Double Or Nothing // C.T.H

Thomas ~ 44

The library was empty.

I was too late. Too busy wondering if what I was doing was right instead of listening to my body.

To my heart that fluttered at the sight of him, to the way my stomach literally fell through my feet when he looked my way. The way my palms sweat when he laughs and my cheeks heat when he sends me that quick wink.

Instead I listened to my brain which is poisoned and warped with the things my father wanted me to think.

I've never been able to accomplish real things. Sure my GPA is impeccable, but I don't care about that. And if you don't care, then what have you really done this whole time?

I have waisted my whole life trying to force myself to do things for everyone else. Molding my personality into something unoriginal, something fake.

I was so worried about what my dad would do, but what I did was never enough for him anyways.  If I had done everything exactly as he wanted me too, he still would find a reason to toss me around.

Tears prickle in my eyes as it all sunk in.
I'm never going to be enough.
So why am I trying?

A sad, sort of laugh tumbled through my lips. And now I've ruined something that I didn't even fully have.

How horrible do you have to be to lose a possibility?

What do I have now? Calum will always be my brother, but he has done so much for me already. He has fought enough for the both of us, I can't ask him to be my crutch while I try to scrape my life together.

A tear streamed down my face and soon washed by the rain as I left the building. It was dark and cold, and the soreness in my body was finally catching up to me. I felt hopeless.

"If you came to make fun of me, please just go back home"

I swear the world fell away in that very moment.

I spun hard enough to stumble against the brick wall. He was leaning under an alcove, Red hood up. The hurt in his face was the biggest punch to the gut I've ever felt, and that's saying a lot.

"Are you just going to stand there? Say something!"

I couldn't bring myself to say anything, even though a million thoughts ran through my head.
Two million emotions flooded me at once.

Hope, sadness, anger, confusion, disappointment,  anxiety, fear, and so much more.

All I could do was stare and cry, my mouth opening and closing like fish.

He couldn't even look at me until a sob came loose from my throat. His head snapped up and his eyes narrowed.

"Are you crying?" The question was more gentle than I was expecting, making my cry harder.

His eyes widened, "I couldn't tell with all the rain," he took a step out from under the cover of the over hang.

"I-I" I couldn't catch my breath, my whole body seems to seize up in the overwhelming feeling of a panic attack. "so-rry"

"Hey, hey" he whispered, hesitantly placing his hand against my cheek. "Take a deep breath"

"Oh my God, What happened to you?" He whispered, his eyes glued on my neck, where I'm sure there must have been ugly bruises.

Suddenly fear coursed through me, as a flash back form early slammed through my mind.

I buried my head into my hands, crumbling to the ground. I felt like the air itself was squeezing the breath out of me, and the reminder that my dad and literally just did that to me tipped my anxiety off the scale.

I couldn't see, I couldn't feel, could hardly hear.
I felt like I was dying.

But then I heard him telling me I was okay, and I started to believe him. I could hear him tell me he was there before I could feel his arms around me. As my panic slowly backed down, I had to see his face before I could fully comprehend that I was safe. That I could breathe. That I wasn't alone.

And he told me over and over

"I'm here, I've got you, you're not alone, you're okay, you're okay"

And finally, in the aftermath of a complete mental breakdown, I felt accomplished.

Because this was something I cared about.

—

A|N
So I know that it has been so long, and I'm sorry. I just feel like this book has gotten lost from what I was trying to make, and that it isn't good anymore.

I started this book almost 3 years ago, these
chapters were written long ago, but I never finished the book. And I'm not sure if I ever will.

It's unrealistic and overdramatized and I'm sorry. I feel disappointed in this piece of work.

So I am sorry.

(Also this chapter is partly confusing bc it represents some of the thoughts i have felt in panic attacks, but again this was years ago and not everything I write is what I feel personally)